Pioneer Christian Monthly - September, 1991

Life After Divorce
Helena W. teBokkel

It may be within our immediate families, among our friends, or within our church community, but all of us have had to confront divorce in recent years. Divorce is not supposed to happen to Christians. Yet the pain and reality of marriages ending is all too evident. Rebuilding a life after divorce is often a painful challenge and rather than argue the rightness or wrongness of divorce let us focus on a few of the issues and feelings involved in rebuilding. For the Christian who has gone through the experience of divorce, rebuilding their lives can be overwhelming when they are faced with sorting through the spiritual, emotional, social and physical effects of a divorce - .

Guilt. - For the Christian, guilt can become an overwhelming feeling which creates a crisis in their spiritual life. Divorce means a broken promise, a failed commitment, a vow she or he made before God which could not be kept. 'ne sense of failure and the guilt can become a barrier, or a wall between the person and God. Doubts are there as to whether God can forgive me. Even if God does still love me, what about the church, my friends... and I am not sure I can forgive myself These words were spoken by a recently divorced Christian. Guilt and doubts are perceived as a trap from which there is no visible escape.

One way we choose to resolve guilt is to be punished and often this becomes self-punishment. With punishment, guilt is rarely eliminated. Rather, the message of failure, condemnation and judgment are reinforced. We need to understand that guilt usually occurs because we are not living up to the standard of behaviour we believe in. The solution to this guilt is in the acceptance of God's love and forgiveness and in forgiving yourself. For the divorced person this is often through a process of much reassurance, of learning to accept his or her humanness, and allowing God's grace to provide a new beginning, a life after divorce.

Another spiritual issue which affects the divorced Christian is that of remarriage. Is it allowed? Does God's grace extend to those who have been divorced and seek to commit once again to a marriage? This issue can be confusing as various biblical teachings will stress the prohibitive law verses the renewing grace of God. For a positive biblical resource on the issues of divorce and remarriage, I would recommend a book by Dwight Small, Remarriage and God's Renewing Grace.

Emotionally life after divorce is a mine field. Hurt, loss, loneliness, guilt, anger, isolation, insecurity, blame, denial, rejection, depression, resentment, these are only a few of many feelings that make the rebuilding process so difficult and confusing for someone who has experienced a divorce. Many of these feelings are part of the grief process that comes when a relationship has ended. Grieving divorce is similar to grieving the loss of one's life partner to death. The pain may be just as deep, and harder to resolve as there may be no finality, no complete good-bye. The connection and contact with the partner you divorced can be ongoing often because of the reality of children and the contact that is required to keep both parents involved in the parenting process.

Divorce can be very destructive to our self-worth and self-concept. Our spouse is our primary source of validation and feedback about who we are and if we are valued. When a marriage ends with criticism, conflict, rejection, hurt, and blame, our beliefs about our value as a person can be shattered and we may end up feeling worthless.

The complexity of emotions divorce triggers means that the healing process is different for each individual. Yet there are specific steps to bringing wholeness to the brokenness. First you need to choose to rebuild your fife. Before rebuilding can start, the loss of the relationship must be grieved and the reality that your marriage has ended in divorce, accepted. ff you can accept that loss and you want to change your life, you are on the road to healing. Don't deny your feelings. Feelings such as anger, hurt, loneliness, insecurity, rejection and bitterness are a normal part of how God has created us. We need to acknowledge them and work to understand them and how to express them in healthy ways. You may need to talk with a friend, your pastor or a professional counsellor. Talking helps to clarify what has happened, how you feel, and what must be done. Most of the time we can cope with our problems by ourselves but when we need help - seeking that help can be a sign of strength and a positive decision.

Another step to healing involves the need for a support system. For the divorced person finding that support system can be difficult. Feelings of isolation can be strong as often for the first time you find yourself having to do things all alone, with no companion. Repairs may be overwhelming, holidays lonely, and re-establishing a sense of home may feel impossible. There is a process of uncoupling that must take place as you establish your identify as a single person once again. Unfortunately the church is too often family and couple focused and there is no place for a divorced or single parent to belong. Belonging may also be a problem with friends who knew you as a couple. Couples may no longer be available to a single or your friends end up split between the two of you. Learning to take care of yourself as a single and finding people who will provide a place to belong are probably the most difficult social struggles for the divorced person.

Physically, the two most difficult areas are first the loss of touch and physical affirmation. After a divorce non-sexual touch such as hugs become important in filling the void that is left. Secondly, most divorces result in a financial crisis which often drastically changes the fife style of one or both partners. Women are most often adversely affected as their earning power is usually less and they most frequently continue to provide care and a home for the children.

All in all the process of rebuilding a life after divorce takes time and is not easy. There are many more issues which in the limits of this article cannot be covered so for you who are going through a divorce, or helping someone who is, the following resources may be helpful:

Fisher, B., Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Impact Publishing

Jensen, M., Formerly Married. Jove Books

Mattison, J., Divorce - the Pain & the Healing. Augsburg Press

Spaniol, L. and Lannan, P., Moving on After Divorce. Paulist Press

Please click the "Back" button of your browser to return to previous page.