Pioneer Christian Monthly - September, 1991

Under Attack - The Traditional Family Fights To Survive
Carole Moerman

Recently my husband and I met with a group of teens from our church to discuss dating relationships. Of the twelve people present only two were from two parent families, and just one person was from a "traditional family" - a family with dad working and mom home raising the children. The demise of the traditional family has been swift. In 1960, 60% of North American families were two-parent, one-income families compared to 7% in 1990. A composite picture of today's average family is a married couple with one child and both parents working. At least one of the parents has been or will be divorced. They have their children later in life, and a greater proportion of households are blended families - where children from two or more marriages are combined as a result of remarriage.

Roberta Hestenes, President of Eastern College and Chairperson of World Vision International, observes: Culturally there has been a temptation to take a particular form of the nuclear family as it emerged in America after World War 11 and make it the 'biblical norm' for all Christian families. The image of the ideal suburban family, with the woman as full-time homemaker, is a model of very short duration throughout church history. This view of the family is shaped by culture rather than by Scripture, and moral preference given to it. Biblical patterns are much more varied. Proverbs 31 extols the woman who works both within and outside of the home, buying and selling fields, farming, trading, providing for her family. Lydia is a dealer in purple cloth, Priscilla and Aquilla worked side by side making tents.

What then is a biblical definition of the traditional family, and is it under attack? In Genesis 2 God gives the parameters for the first family - a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Jesus re-affirms the covenant relationship in Matthew 19:6: So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Within the context of covenant relationship a man and woman are to grow in unity, and bear and raise children as God gives them.

Consider the findings of George Barna, President of Barna Research Group:

- fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce,

- more than half of all marriage partners commit adultery, although 86% felt extramarital affairs were wrong,

- forty percent of today's fourteen-year-old girls will be pregnant at least once by the age of twenty, most of those pregnancies ending in abortion,

- a the teen suicide rate has tripled in the last twenty years.

We are also seeing a significant change in people's beliefs:

- there is a new acceptance of divorces; a lifetime spent with one partner is viewed as unusual and unnecessary,

- seventy percent of all adults believe that if a couple with young children cannot get along they should not stay together simply for the sake of the children,

- serial monogamy, sexual relationships with one person at a time, is not considered promiscuous.

As society's beliefs about the family change, so does its behaviour. Families spend less time together, take shorter vacations which are less likely to include all family members; meals are less likely to be eaten at home shared around the table as a family; multiple TV sets make it possible for family members to, watch separate programs in separate rooms; and youth are more mobile and more self-sufficient at a younger age. An unwillingness to make commitments to long term relationships is destroying the biblical family., The family is indeed in trouble.

If we truly believe God had ordained marriage and family according to the traditional understandings of those unions, we must mount an aggressive campaign to shift the course of our society's attitudes and behaviour. Either the church will ignore the undercurrent of instability in the family, or it must provide some creative, forceful arguments for the family structure designed by God.

We can begin by helping people within the church rediscover the meaning of marriage vows, and the possibilities inherent in a long-term commitment to each other. As we recommit ourselves to each other at a personal level we need to ask ourselves some hard questions. Is my marriage career-oriented or family-oriented? Have I bought into the philosophy that says the amount of time I spend with my family is not important as long as it is quality time? That rationalization suggests that a business wouldn't suffer if it were to cut back to a four-hour work week as long as they were four quality hours. Do I schedule time as diligently with my family as I schedule time for business or personal pleasure?

One study showed the average five-year-old spends twenty-five minutes a week in close interaction with his father, and twenty-five hours a week in close interaction with the TV set. Consequently, Dad finished second after the TV in the list of kindergartner's priorities. If we are not committed to our kids, they can find replacements. One of my college friends came from a family of six children. Her father regularly took each child out for one-to-one-time with him. We need to keep listening to our children to hear their interests, concerns, whatever is significant in their world.

We need to schedule time with our spouses as well. Occasional weekends away, taking in a Marriage Enrichment seminar, a weekly date night, a cup of tea together nightly after the children are in bed can help us stay emotionally close and communicates that we are committed to keeping our marriage alive and well.

As a church we need to teach the values of committed, covenant relationships, countering the philosophy of the day: "My personal happiness is most important." "I can have it all - right now." There is satisfaction in commitment. Strong families can be built but it takes patience and perseverance, sacrifices, energy, enthusiasm. Living our lives in a way that goes against the grain of our look-out-for-#l society. We need to require intensive premarital counselling so couples entering marriage are prepared to make a commitment for a lifetime and have the tools to make a good marriage. We need to offer marriage enrichment weekends, parenting seminars and support groups, and communication courses.

As we assess the needs of our society, we will discover where the Body of Christ is hurting as well. More women are working because they have to work. Sixty-three percent of all women work outside the home. Single parent families make up 13 percent of all Canadian families. Where is the family struggling because of mom's changing role? These changes mean more stress on parents, less time for involvement in outside activities such as church and voluntarism, and children who are either left with another to give primary care or are on their own for a greater portion of the day. The church cannot afford to glorify only what it believes families ought to be and neglect the challenges of what our modern world demands of wives and mothers, husbands and fathers. We need to gear our church program accordingly, recognizing our need to be user sensitive. Our programs must enhance family life and not put extra demands on the family. Support for single parents and working moms and dads can take the form of early morning Bible studies, child care for all church functions, child care programs: daycare and after school programs that are more than a babysitting service, instilling positive values and effective communication skills in a loving environment. Men in the fellowship, adopting single-parent children and giving them positive male role models, can be inval uable to a single mom.

As Christians seeking to be salt and light in our society, we need to consider how we can provide creative, intelligent, forceful arguments for biblical family values and structure to the world around us. Being effective role models is a beginning. Speaking out on moral issues in our community can be personally threatening but very effective.

A youth pastor in our community responded to concerns of some of the teens in his youth group regarding the explicit, offensive form sex education was taking in their high school. He put together a drama presentation on the value of sexual abstinence until marriage, presented it to the school administration and got approval to present it to the student body as an alternative. 'Me response from the students was overwhelmingly positive. 'Me other junior and senior high school administrations in the community have now asked him to make the same presentation in their schools. Organizations Eke Focus on the Family, through its Citizen Magazine, and Evangelical Fellowship of Canada keep Christians up to date on issues before our legislators that are a threat to the biblical family. By exercising our political muscle we can slowly and possibly reverse the demise of the traditional family.

Someone has said, Give me a fulcrum, a place to stand, and a lever and I'll move the world. We have a defined value system in Scripture by which we can order our lives. We have the power of God working in us and through us by His Holy Spirit. We do not have to despair of the family surviving in this generation - as long as we have the will to get off the slippery slope society is on and stand on the place God has given us to stand.

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