Pioneer Christian Monthly - September, 1982

One Day At A Time
Engelina Van essen

Emotion overwhelmed her and she covered her face with both her hands. The sun shone in bright bundles into the living room showing off the gloxinia in all its glory. Through the stillness the clock ticked the minutes away; or was it only seconds? Sometimes a minute seems like an eternity. When she looked up she said, "Sorry that I'm so emotional about this, but there is still so much hurt." Two big blue eyes looked at me and slowly a smile crept up her face when she said, "God is on my side; He takes care of me. He is so good. We have a long way to go, but I'll take it one day at a time, and with Him, I'll make it!"

How long ago is it that I met Jeanie? One year, two years? It does not matter. I still remember that first contact so vividly. A friend brought her; a concerned friend who didn't know how to help and had said, "Come, I'll bring you to my pastor, maybe he can help." Henry (my pastor-husband) introduced me to her. We met only briefly, but my heart went out to her. Hurt, broken, not being able to cope with an alcoholic husband any longer. Many more contacts followed, also with Peter, Jeanie's husband. Henry listened and counseled. We have seen frustrations and ups and downs in Pete's life. We have called out to God and say, Why don't You do something for Pete? Save him, bring him back to You, don't let him go under. " But we have also seen God's grace at work, both in Jeanie's and Pete's lives. We have seen God's healing hand. Now, Jeanie sits across from me saying, with a smile on her face, "God is so good. I'm able to cope with life now, and I'll do it one day at a time."

"Jeanie, what is it that has helped you cope with life again?" I asked her.

"Well," she said "there are three things. AlAnon is very important to me, and, of course, there is prayer and my talks with Pastor. I go every week to an Al-Anon meeting, and I get so much out of them, and. . . ."

"Wait a minute," I said, "what is Al-Anon and how does it help you? Maybe you could share your story with others." And there, in the relaxed atmosphere of our home, Jeanie told her story.

"When I married Peter I did not know that he was an alcoholic. Believe it or not, alcoholics are very good pretenders! I will spare you the details of living with an alcoholic - the abuse, hurt, mental cruelty, and so on. I have always been a Christian and during this time there was a lot of praying, but also a lot of yelling. When we got married I promised before God and the congregation that it would be "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". But, oh, I was so resentful. Why did this have to happen to me? I said to the Lord, 'Surely, You don't mean I have to stick with him when he abuses me?'.

"Then a though struck me. The Lord has always looked after me. I have to trust Him that He will look after me during this time of hardship also. Then I came in contact with an Al-Anon group. Al-Anon is an offshoot of AA, which works just like AA except it's for the families of alcoholics. They use the same program and the same mutual help group therapy. At first I did not like it at all. I have always been very independent and wanted to cope with the situation on my own. In Al-Anon women seemed so helpless and I thought, 'This is not for me.' I couldn't identify with those women, but nevertheless, I kept on going. I'm so glad I did bcaue I learned so much. I learned not only about the behaviour of the alcoholic, but also about myself. Alcoholism, for instance, is a disease, and an alcoholic can not give up liquor by will power alone. It is a sickness that tortures body and mind. As long as an alcoholic denies that he drinks too much he/she cannot be helped.

"Covering up for an alcoholic spouse does not help either. When I discovered that Pete was an alcoholic, I felt shame and frustration. In Al-Anon I learned that I am not responsible for anyone else's drinking. Pete's drinking was his own doing. It's his problem and because it's a sickness, any scolding, complaining, fighting or threatening will not help him, and neither will covering up for him. He has to face his own responsibilities. When my husband admitted that he was sick, he was on the road to healing. He moved out to live by himself, and learned to stand up for himself and not lean on me. Now that we are this far, I'm learning to love him again. When he moved out, I did not have to made decisions for him anymore, and I discovered that there was still concern, care and love for him."

It was quiet for a moment and her eyes wandered away from me to the outside, where the wind and sun were playing peek-a-boo with the leaves of the tree. Two chipmunks joined in the fun, nmning up and down the tree trunk. Both of us were absorbed with our own thoughts, when Jeanie looked up at me, and I asked, "What is it then, when an alcoholic cannot stop drinking by will power. What will cure him?"

"In AA twelve steps to recovery are used," Jeanie went on. "In Al-Anon we use them too. The first one is that we are powerless over alcohol. The second, that the Higher Power, greater than ourselves, can restore us to sanity. For me, that is my Lord. Step three tells us to make a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. In my case, I have to surrender it daily to the Lord. Through Al-Anon, I became more aware of my own shortcomings, and that there were areas in my life that needed change. I became more aware of the needs of others, and learned to open up, and to give and receive. It is such a good feeling to know that you're not alone with your problems. We are taught to take it one day at a time, not criticizing or condemning the other, but analyzing yourself and working at that. By not focussing all the time on my troubles, I saw that there are so many good things left in life. Pete and I are both on the way to recovery and the credit goes to my heavenly Father."

Please click the "Back" button of your browser to return to previous page.