Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Oct/79

Contributor - Cor Kors

Title - Playing Favourites: Should Parents Participate?

Topic - Parenting

That parents cannot have a greater appreciation for one child over and above another is one of the misconceptions regarding the Christian family. If John is a happy, enjoyable child to be with and Joe is always depressed and has a gloomy outlook on life it only seems natural that a parent would prefer John's company to that of Joe. A parent may feel much more attracted to Sally because she is slower than most children and requires more time, patience and encouragement as opposed to Susan, who has never had any difficulty looking after herself and iq extremely self-sufficient, not requiring anyone else's help.

Whatever the reason, there is great potential in the family for parents to have a favourite child whether that feeling is determined by specific aspects of the child's character or the whole personhood of the child. The question then becomes, "What does modern Christian literature suggest to these parents who identify some favouritism within themselves?" My prediction would be a guilt feeling, if they were willing to admit that these feelings exist at all. Paul Moyer*, using Col. 3:17 as a reference stresses that there should not be such a thing as favourites on the part of Christian parents with respect to their children. The passage in Colossians states: "Whatever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the father by Him." Moyer feels that: "Using this as a motivating guide it is difficult to play favourites spoiling one person and browbeating another".

*Paul Moyer is a professor of Pastoral Counseling. This reference is from his contribution to "The Journal of Pastoral Care".

Even within the Biblical tradition we see examples of parent-child favouritism. Jacob was favoured by his mother over Easu and Esau was favoured by his father over Jacob; Israel favoured Joseph over the other brothers; God isolated Abram and later selected the Jews as his chosen people. Perhaps Mary herself favoured Jesus. Nowhere do we see any indication that these feelings were illegitimate.

Given the fact that each child is unique and different, as parents, our reactions to each of our children inevitably must be different. Rita Kramer, who along with Lee Salk is the author of "How to Raise a Human Being", forthrightly suggests that parents are most emotionally entangled with the first born because they have the highest expectations as well as the greatest vulnerability to disappointment in the case of this child. It is often the "baby" of the family with whom they have the easiest time and the one they enjoy the most. Kramer emphasizes that "the important point is not that you necessarily love one child more than another but that you probably love each one in a different way, for different reasons". If a child becomes aware of some of these feelings and the parent is not willing to admit to having them, the child may become very confused. Mental illness research has shown that if a child is told one thing by the adults he trusts, while his own senses tell him that the grown-ups actually mean something quite different, severe damage may be caused to the child.

Rita Kramer gives concrete direction to her theory in the following quote concerning parental guilt:

"Parental guilt, says Dr. Sanger, makes some mothers and fathers bend over backward to limit the warmth they feel toward one child and soften their demands on another." He suggests giving the children the dignity of honesty rather than pretense. You might try to say something like: "I get along better with Janie because I have the feeling she tries to make life easier for me, and you do things that drive me up a wall. I just can't help getting irritated when dinner is ready and it takes you half an hour to get to the table. Maybe if you tried to cut down the time it takes you, and I tried to be a little more patient, we wouldn't have these fights. Do you think we could give it a try?"

In a situation such as in this illustration the parent is admitting his/her imperfection to the child. This will often meet the needs of the child better than "one who has idealized notions of parenthood - the image of the mother or father always loving, and loving everyone equally." Kramer concludes her article with the following forceful statement:

"We all want to raise children who can give and receive love honestly, who will as men and women respect themselves and each other. To do this, we must face the facts of favouritism and deal with them in a way beneficial to our children. Feeling differently toward different people, even one's nearest and dearest, is a fact of life. The next time your children accuse you of favouritism, remember that the important things are emotional honesty and finding and stressing the positive things you love best in each of the?n. Then teach them to value these diverse qualities."

The idea that as parents we might appreciate one of our children more than another is threatening to us, but, it is not necessarily wrong to have such a feeling, even in the Christian family circle. What is needed is the honesty to admit that those feelings exist and that there is available a constructive manner to bring them out into the open.

The concept of having favourite children on the part of parents has been considered taboo for years, both by Christian and non-Christian people. The approach that I've discussed suggests that there is a way of dealing with it constructively. Ignoring it is not the way!

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