Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Nov/91

Contributor - Kathy Gerstner

Title - Merry Christmas? Happy New Year? Dealing With Grief at a Special Time

Topic - Grief

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! How many times these phrases will be heard in the coming month. These become standard greetings and farewells for the month of December. Christmas is coming - how exciting!!! But is it exciting for everyone? Will it necessarily be merry or happy.

Statistics show that at holiday times the suicide rate increases, crisis lines are busy, and psychiatric hospital admissions increase. But why? Holidays are joyous occasions spent with the family and close friends - aren't they?? For some of us they are. But for many they are looked on with ambivalence, at best.

Holidays, especially Christmas, can serve as reminders of times in the past when things were better. For those who have lost loved ones through death or broken relationships, Christmas is one of the most difficult times to endure as it brings back memories of when their loved ones were with them to share the special times. This may reopen wounds, bringing back feelings of grief and loss and trigger a sense of deep loneliness. At Christmas time loneliness is also an issue for those who are separated from family as holidays can make the distance seem even greater when loved ones are not present.

If you are in this situation and may already be dreading the upcoming holidays, allow yourself the necessary time to grieve and reflect on times past. Grieving is a normal and healthy step in dealing with loss, and also necessary; therefore, it is important not to feel guilty about your grief. If a loss has not been mourned, it will affect us in other areas of our lives. In each person it is seen differently, but some symptoms of unresolved loss and depression are irritability, a quick temper, tearfulness, insomnia or sleepiness, and an increased appetite or loss of appetite. Ordinarily you may or may not have these symptoms, but if you notice any of them it may be telling you that something is amiss. If you have not allowed yourself to adequately grieve, take the time to cry and unburden your soul. Society teaches us that "big girls don't cry" and men must not be "weak" or a "sissy" by shedding a tear. However, crying is one of the best ways of releasing our grief.

Take your concerns to the Lord in prayer. Share your grief and loneliness with Him. Begin praying now that the Lord will give you an extra measure of His grace this Christmas so that you will be strengthened to fight the loneliness and depression that may come. Take comfort in the many Scripture passages which emphasize that God is with us and we do not need to bear anything alone. Some examples of these are Deut. 31:6, Psalms 23, 46, and Isaiah 40. Also, we can take refuge in the Christmas message that ultimately as Christians we are not alone and have nothing to fear-because God sent His son Jesus Christ to this world as our Redeemer to give us the gift of eternal life and His presence now.

Spend time sharing with friends and family about your feelings of loss. Allow them to be your sounding boards and support in what you are dealing with. Your pastor can also be an excellent support and source of insight to you. But you need to allow others to help. So often we feel we do not want to bother others or burden them, so we suffer in silence. In a Christian community we need to be available to help others, and also to let them help us.

After you have given yourself time to grieve and mourn the loss, the next step is to begin to pick up the pieces and continue on with living. It helps to keep your focus on the Lord and in an attitude of being thankful to him for those gifts He has given to you in the past, and also is now giving in the present. Even if your loved one is not with you this Christmas, for whatever reasons, be thankful for the holiday times you did spend with him/her.

Another way to help lift your spirits is to begin singing songs of praise to God. It is difficult to continue feeling down after praising God. In addition, it always helps if we get our thoughts off ourselves and think of others. We can do this by becoming actively involved in helping others. Try to think of others who may be hurting during this Christmas season, and find way to make their Christmas better.

This is a challenge for all of us. What can we do to brighten someone else's holiday season? First, be sensitive to others' feelings and needs. Make yourself available to grieve with those around you who are suffering. Recognize that not everyone finds it easy to be merry at Christmas time. It may have been 10 days or 10 years since someone lost a loved one, but realize that holidays may still be difficult. Remember in prayer those whom you know are hurting. Call or write a note of encouragement. Invite someone who is alone to your house for Christmas dinner .... The list is endless. Use your own creativity to make a difference in someone else's holiday, and your own.

Please click the "Back" button of your browser to return to previous page.