Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Nov/82

Contributor - Cobi Keunen

Title - How Do We Instill a Sense of Values in Our Children?

Topic - Parenting

As we think about this subject, there are some basic questions which can further explain what this covers. First of all, are we as parents, Sunday School or catechism teachers, elders, deacons, etc. effective models? Secondly, why don't we see the values we teach in our children? How do we pass on values to our children? Thirdly, when they become teenagers, how do we get across to them in areas such as learning good manners, good habits, politeness, respect and premarital sex?

To begin at the beginning: How, then, do we instill a sense of values in our children? This presents a broad question with many facets. "What are the values' that we wish to teach our children?" should be the first question asked. From there we must also ask, "Which are most important?" and list them in such an order. Then an essential part in the home is "Do we agree?". If we as parents do NOT agree together on a certain issue, we must still stand behind the concept to preserve unity of learning; otherwise, inconsistency follows and nothing is really learned. All the values that we wish to impress upon our children must be taught from the earliest possible age. We must demand politeness, good manners, and especially respect for adults (since the world is losing that), and make that requirement known to the children in no uncertain terms. We must be consistent when they behave otherwise. At the same time, we should not be insensitive to situations when ignoring something may be a better course of action than calling attention to it. These values are easiest to learn when a child is young and they will challenge it repeatedly as they grow up. The minute we think, "Oh well, that wasn't so bad. Should I really get upset for that slightly shaded remark?", the child perceives it and we have lost valuable ground for later years, and it takes much longer to gain back.

The Bible can be a great tool in teaching values, though we must be more sensitive to the possibility of an example. Proverbs is a book often referred to in our home. We have the child in question read and re-read a given passage, three or four times, to implant the significance in his mind. Let me illustrate this: I recall an incident when I was going to catechism. I had completely forgotten to do my homework and when asked if I had my work done, I told the minister "I didn't have time to do it". He said, "Turn to Matthew 6:3 3 and read it out loud". So I read, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you". "Read it again," he said, and so I read it again, and again, and again. I never again forgot my catechism homework and neither did my classmates.

Sometimes we take it for granted that children know what we expect of them. This is another grey area which we must watch. As children grow up their different characters, experience and interests, though similar, result in different concepts of what is acceptable and what is not.

What do I do when a problem arises?

I try to nip it in the bud. "A stitch in time saves nine" works here. Catching a problem in the beginning stages is much easier to eliminate, than waiting to see if it won't correct itself, only to discover that it gets worse.

We, as parents, must stay ever alert to changes in our children's behaviour, eating habits, personal hygiene, attitudes, response to others, etc. These changes tell us something. If they are for the good, you may see they are growing toward the next stage of their life and may be ready for more responsibility. If they are for the worse, I go "fishing", sometimes just watching to see where the problem is. In other words, beginning immediately to assess the problem, I begin asking questions and sometimes hit the problem right on the head. "What's wrong with you today? Did you have a rough day at school?" and I keep questioning until the flood bursts. I realize all parents are different, but we have cultivated this from a young age.

What about such subjects as premarital sex?

We at home have talked openly about our views in the Christian context on such subjects, beginning when the children were young. It is our belief that you are too late for any teaching on such important matters when they are on the threshold of making the choices. We feel it needs to be ingrained in their thinking before they reach pre-adolescence. How do we do this? Simply by talking about these issues as they bring their questions; by discussing examples or newspaper clippings or dirty talk amongst themselves; or by posing questions. In the newspaper we often find articles which become great examples of what NOT to do because God warns us about the misery we get ourselves into if we disobey His commandments.

Other areas we watch for, living on a farm, are farm and road safety, not going with strangers, and so on. An accident caused because someone didn't think it mattered, can and does cause serious injury and sometimes death to a loved one.

Praise is another subject in conjunction with punishment. We, as adults, often have the attitude that if you don't hear anything it must be alright. A child has great difficulty with this. They need praise often, but not to excess. Anything with too in front of it is not much good to them, and we often lean more to the negative side of disciple than the positive. Some children need a boost, especially those that have a negative outlook on life. When "can't" and "don't" become a large part of their vocabulary about themselves, rewarding them with a chart of happy faces or stars for achievements can go a long way to hanging their thinking to the positive side.

How do we discipline our children?

Usually we reprimand, scold or just talk to them, and sometimes we need to spank them. Afterwards we expect them to say "I'm sorry", but we don't stop there. After amends have been made we sit down with them and say, "Now that all is well between us, we must make amends with God and tell Him we're sorry, because He hasn't been very pleased either".

We need to pray openly with our children and give them the opportunity to pray also. Holding hands during this prayer can bring a real bond between people. Prayer is one of the most powerful tools we have, and in some circles we feel it is overdone, but among our denomination it is usually underdone. Discipline in the Christian setting, as much as possible, should be done firmly but lovingly. Anger only antagonizes. "Let love by your aim." Children sometimes feel subconsciously bound under the cloak of Christianity. This in itself may produce some undesirable behavior and/or language as a sign of rebellion.

Are we, as parents and church leaders, effective models?

We are, but only when we exercise these values both in public and private life. It's the small things that throw it off. We all tend to lean to the philosophy that "it's okay, as long as you don't get caught". Take the example of driving down the highway where everyone seems to be going 10 miles over the limit. "Well, everybody does it, right?", so up goes your speedometer. Children catch these things, and add them to their list of "Do as I say, not as I do". So when they see an out, they think "Well they won't know the difference," not realizing that sooner or later the driver gets a speeding ticket and "the truth has found you out". I have used some one liners and I find them great mini-sermons to get a point across. You got the message, so do they!

Well, what have I been saying? "Do this and don't do that." We are all given common sense, use it sensibly and remain sensitive to the needs of the children. We need to stay alert, so my personal motto in bringing my children to adulthood is "Watch, Pray and Work".Work at it with the tools we have available to us - books, films, other people's mini-sermons, an encouraging word here and a watchword there. And after all that, I claim the promise of Romans 8:28, "All things work together for good to them that love the Lord".

Remember that it takes 20 years to bring children to adulthood and its accompanying responsibilities, therefore, we cannot expect drastic, permanent changes in their acceptance of responsibility or attitudes of behaviour.

Who am I? 1 am a human being, such as you, much prone to error and indecision, not knowing what is best. Therefore, as we profess to be Christians, the more time we spend in our closet learning from God, the more grace and wisdom He will grant us to get the job done for which He has called us. Those little ones are only on loan to us for such a short time. Let us, as parents and church leaders, work together with our combined resources to bring our little ones to the saving grace and knowledge of our Lord as their precious and personal Saviour.

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