Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - May/92

Contributor - Dawn Martens

Title - A Time of Loss

Topic -

In this article Dawn Martens, a member of Faith Reformed Church, Hamilton, ON, describes the emotions that accompanied her decision to leave a church she loved.

In the summer of 1988 1 was working at a Mennonite Brethren Camp in the Muskokas. I was on a spiritual high from working with fellow Christians, hearing excellent speakers, and discovering more about the Bible. But one morning my elation was shattered. The news of the virtual acceptance of a new sexuality document at the United Church Council in Victoria broke, and it came as a bombshell as the media trumpeted the new liberal emancipation of our Church regarding the homosexuality issue. Now I had always, I thought, felt some loyalty to the United Church. After all, I had been brought up in it, and my grandfather, as well as other relatives and several close friends, had entered the United Church ministry. But now I realized just how deep those feelings really went. I vividly remember chapel that morning. Those of us from the United Church were in tears when we prayed for our church. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," sobbed one girl.

Then came the breakdown of relationships in my home church. In a place where I expected support I got none. Relationships were hostile within our Youth Group. The mood was one of mistrust. There were disruptions during morning worship services as opposing sides clashed. And worst of all, anyone who opposed what headquarters was doing was either shouted down or labeled self-righteous. So I left the church that had been my spiritual home since I was ten, and waited. A terrible disillusionment set in. I learned that the response for the majority of people in a crisis is to do nothing. And the young people, who are touted as the new hope for the Christian Church, had failed me utterly.

My husband and I moved on to another United Church. Then came the General Council of 1990. Again I watched in horror as my church seemed to crumble before my eyes. I wrote songs, marched in London, and distributed information to people who were only hearing one side of the story. When council was over I was one of those who wore a black arm band. As far as I was concerned the United Church as I knew it was dead.

On the day that I withdrew my membership from the United Church, my feelings were mixed. Initially I was intensely relieved to be out of what I felt was a no-win situation. But in reality I was in shock to have made such a momentous decision. Then I began to feel furious with all the people who had let me down. How could I go on in a new church when the focus of my spiritual war, which I had been waging for two years, was gone? I was angry and depressed. How could I survive the loss of my church? How could I join another fellowship?

Over the past two years I have pondered these questions, and I have sought the advice of many people who have survived the breakup of a fellowship. It is not an easy road to travel, and it is one I am still struggling with. Here is how, through sharing and prayer, I survived my spiritual crisis.

First, I had to come to grips with my emotions in order to deal with them properly. And it took another person to jolt me into this realization. I remember one time in particular when I was seething about past hurts and wrongs. After I had vented my anger, someone said, "I hate to see you so bitter." Bitter? The word stung me. The person continued, "People won't want to be around you if you are so negative all the time." Don't you just hate it when God speaks to you like that through other people? But I realized this person was right. I was playing directly into the devil's hand. I had to become aware of how cynical I was becoming, and how this could affect people around me.

Secondly, support groups were important during my time of loss. I learned by talking to others that I was not the only spiritual refugee. I also learned the Importance of having a support group to talk to about things other than my particular spiritual crisis. I became better at reading the Bible without relating every passage to my former struggle within my church.

The third thing I did was read my Bible. It was easy for church politics to blot out the true focus of Christianity Christ himself. Of course the Church had suffered many crises before 1991: it is made up of imperfect people' But the church's one foundation is Jesus Christ, and the Bible itself Some passages are particularly helpful in spiritual crises. There are the beautiful verses in Romans that say "Who can separate us from the love of God?" And I have reread the lines from Hebrews 12 that talk about the crises of the early church. Jude is a book that has become particularly meaningful to me in the past year. All of these pointed to the divinity of Christ as I hung onto my faith by my fingernails.

And I read other literature that I found helpful. There are books of inspiration and ones that make you laugh. But there is nothing like reading about other people's troubles to make your own seem minuscule.

Great songs of faith in hymnaries were also be a deep source of comfort. Samuel Stone's "The Church's One Foundation" moved me with its stirring words about the church being "sore opprest". And yet that hymn ends with the victorious words "And soon the night of weeping shall be the morn of song." Surely this man, writing in the 18th century, had experienced something akin to my recent struggles in order to write such moving words.

I also came to realize that many gains in life have losses attached to them. 1 know now that I did gain a great deal from my loss of a church fellowship. I was, forced to examine my beliefs. I was brought closer to my family and gained a new respect and admiration for their firm beliefs and their willingness to stand up for those beliefs. Because I was free of church obligations, I was able to perform in a Christian singing group all over Ontario. What an exciting experience! I made new friends, some of whom will inspire me forever with their courage and faith. I had the thrill of attending a mass service of witness and taking part in protest marches. I have gained a fuller understanding of loss, and have been able to help others with their losses. I was given the opportunity to explore another denomination. And perhaps, most important of all, I have learned what it really means to have to take a stand in the name of Christ.

Finally, and this has been particularly difficult for me, I think at last I have come to the point where I realize that not all that is associated with the suffering in the past was bad. The first church we left could not have caused the feelings of loss if there was nothing good in it. I may not be able to help how I feel about some of the people in my former church, but I can do something about what I do with those feelings. I cannot undo what has happened, but I can move forward and use that experience to help me in the future.

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