Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - May/77

Contributor - Martha Vander Marel

Title - The Best Thing A Father Can Do For His Children..is to Love Their Mother

Topic - Family

In today's society, the need for stability and security is all around us. However, this stability should not be based on the external institution of the "family" and "home" but it should rather be the result of an internal stability between husband and wife. These external institutional supports are based upon all the security myths of our culture such as the media, banks, property and consumerism. Certainly without this husband and wife stability a child begins to have deep problems of insecurity and a retardation of his/her personality development.

Our society has not yet come to that "Brave New World" where "everyone belongs to everyone else". We haven't yet come to an age where marriage and family are words of the past. Hopefully it is something we won't have to face. God has instituted the family for such reasons as growth and stability- We know from such passages as Ephesians 5 :25 and Colossians 3 : 19 that "the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother".

For a clearer understanding of this subject, it is especially important to look at a few of the historical reasons why so many parents have difficulty in keeping their families together.

After the industrial revolution our society became and continues being fragmented. This is due in part to the need of greater efficiency for productive output. A result of this is that people's lives have also become fragmented, in many cases to the point of alienation. We have great difficulty in changing this because our lifestyle as consumers is committed to the very system that destroys our self worth. Because of some of these problems the divorce rate has increased greatly in recent years. Our society has come to accept divorce as a natural occurrence.

In fact, it was recently written in American newspapers that a church denomination has begun to legitimize divorce with a complete church ceremony. There is no doubt that our nuclear family is falling apart and alternative arrangements are beginning to develop. First we must discuss the basis on which a good family life can develop.

Certainly there are many couples who have separated and remarried or have been successful single parents. These people may have the "right to remarry" and have experienced the forgiveness that Christ can bring to broken lives and families. It is not this particular group to which I address this issue. It is addressed to the couples who have not demonstrated the love they have for each other to their children. One of a child's most basic securities is knowing that his or her parents love each other. It is a model that the child will depend on for life. Without this assurance a child may always fear a possible abandonment. In many ways marriage partners can show their love for each other. "Seeking the other's advice, fulfilling each other's unspoken desires, protecting each other from criticism and misunderstanding: all these demonstrate love." 1)Perhaps instead of a Mother's Day the emphasis should be on Wife's or Husband's Day and in that way encourage this unique relationship.

Parents who cannot get most of their emotional needs met, whether !it be through their spouse or others, are certainly not going to meet the needs of their children. Some people seem to think that if they have children, their own emotional needs will be met. Rarely does this emotional security proceed upward from the children to the parents.

One major problem that often is a result of broken homes is in relation to a single parent who tries to make a "husband/wife substitute" out of the children. His or her emotions are all focused on the children. The result of this is a very possessive parent who doesn't allow the child to be an individual, only a reflection of what was needed at the time. Those of us in the helping profession see this again and again. Where has the church been in regards to these people? Until recently we have banned them from our doors. It is quite easy for a person in our society to fall into this "super mom" image in which the children become the main focus.

Husbands and wives must continue to view themselves in the light of who they are individually and together in Christ. Our society has not followed the basic biblical teachings that relate to the guidance needed in family life. When parents are over-possessive as described previously, it is evident that they have not understood what Paul talks about in Colossians 3 :21. Parents need not "irritate" their children. Such irritation only causes more disparity between the parents and the child. The Jerusalem bible describes this verse by saying: "Never drive your children to resentment or you will make them feel frustrated." (Colossians 3 : 21)

Paul warns us of what will happen if parents do not respect their children. Here are some other books that can assist parents in disciplining children. A few of these include: Children the Challenge, Between Parent and Child and Between Parent and Teenager by Haim Ginott. These books can open the door for a better understanding of why children misbehave or rebel.

The brokeness or fragmentation that all of us experience at times can only become wholeness when Jesus Christ is in us and our marriages and families, bringing growth and stability. Then and only then can fathers and mothers truly show love for each other. Amidst all the hurt and bitterness that many live with every day there are still many spouses who hold threads of commitment in an uncommitted world.

1) "FOR WOMEN ONLY", by Peterson J. Allen, p. 159, 1974. Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Weaton, Ill

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