Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - May/75

Contributor - Rev. Peter M. De Jong

Title - Christian Families

Topic - Family

What do we mean when we say "Christian families?" Perhaps the term may best be defined by saying that a Christian family is a community, instituted by God, where mutual love and concern are being shared and where life is being sanctified by common prayer.

That's about the way it is being expressed in the form for marriage in our Reformed Church liturgy. The emphasis being placed on partnership within the family circle. Man and wife both equally responsible for sharing love and responsibilities towards each other and to their children. That equality among the sexes is regarded, can readily be seen in the fact that both man and wife are asked to answer the same questions during the marriage ceremony. (No accusations from Women's lib movement can be expected at this point.) In checking the marriage form of the N.H. Kerk (Dutch Reformed Church) we observed that although the original form dated from 1618, was later revised in 1935, the new form still used the same archaic language and patriarchial forms of thought. The man being mentioned as "the head of the household". His task that of leading, teaching, protecting and loving his wife." The task of the woman that of loving her husband, honour, fear and obey him in all things. She also must be silent and of help to him.

In reading such lines one gets the impression of partial inequality among the sexes here (even though it may not be meant that way). It is not our intention to explain the equality among the sexes here or to defend the concept of partnership within the family circle for this would require, a special study. Suffice it to say that equality and partnership between husband and wife can readily be seen from such passages as Gal. 3 :28 which speaks about the new age which began with Christ and where in man and wife are equal partners. We think of I Cor. 7:4 which speaks about mutual love and esteem or Eph. 5 : 21 where both husband and wife are said to be subjected to each other. Last but not least also I Cor. 11 : 11 which says that "in the Lord woman is not independent of man and man not independent of woman."

Partnership is thus being stressed in the Scriptures, and therefore room must be left within the family circle as to who is to take the leading role. In some families it might 'be better if man takes this leading role and the woman the more conserving role but in other families it might be better the other way around in that the wife be the bearer of authority. The same can also be said in providing for the family income. And now I am not saying that man must stay home and take care of the cooking and the cleaning of the house while his wife must go out and work to provide for the family. What I am saying here is that roles can be changed so that both husband and wife can work together. No Scriptural objections can be raised here for this division of the work load, with one exception: "as long as the family does not suffer because of it." This last note of warning must be given. Sometimes families suffer and break down because too much emphasis is being placed on work. and husband, wife or children are being neglected.

Man and wife are to share a mutual esteem and love. One of the most important elements in the Christian family is where husband and wife give themselves in love towards each other, encouraging each other in the task which each of them has to fulfill in life. In their love towards each other they may live from the love which God in Jesus Christ has given them and out of God's forgiveness they may draw strength to forgive each other. And so they are bound to each other in times of prosperity as well as in times of hardship and distress.

This partnership, this sharing of the roles within the family circle extends itself in the nurturing of the children (that is when children are given them). Nature itself even expects that following the birth of the child, mother herself will feed the young. And who wouldn't expect to see more care from parents towards their children and visa versa? Children are to obey their parents (I Peter 5 :5). The Christian family, called a little church within the church by John Calvin, can also be called a little island in the midst of a strange and often hostile world. The family is the place where one can live and share ideas together without being afraid of persecution or misunderstanding. The family is a haven in the midst of storms. Oh how beautiful the discussions held during the meal times where parents and children share their ideas and where problems are being discussed and shared. How great the gift of the Christian family (for marriage is a gift of God as our marriage form reads). Let us thank God for it!

The task of Christian parents however is not only to feed and clothe and to be open to their children, No, their foremost task is to point their children towards the word of God, to Christ Jesus our Lord. In Deut. 5 :6-7 we read: "and these words which I command thee this day shall be upon your heart and you shall teach them diligently to your children and you shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." The task of Christian parents is thus to admonish and lead their Children into the truth of God, no not harshly, driven by selfish motives, but in love. "Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4), surrounding them with their love. (As a father pitieth his children - Psalm 103 :13.)

Some Christians are of the opinion that we should not bother the children with our Christian ideas. Eventually they will begin to seek these truths for themselves, Children they say are like flowers who unfold themselves before the sun, so children will eventually unfold before God. But let us in the first place not forget that God commands us to teach our children about Him and His work of redemption. It's therefore our duty to acquaint our children with God and His kingdom. And secondly, let us not forget that faith needs to be nurtured. No living thing will grow unless it is nurtured. So it is with faith, unless it is nurtured it will die. But while nurturing the faith of our children let us be careful not to force any strange non-Biblical ideas upon them. The work of teaching the children is not easy but it has to be done!

Some parents are like the mother of Achilles, the here from an old Greek legend. His mother wanted to spare him the problems he later would face in life. She dipped him in the waters of the river Styx which was to contain the power of invulnerability (onkwetsbaarheid) but while she held him in the water she held onto his heel. Achilles became invulnerable, with the exception of his heel. Later when hit by an arrow in that heel he died. Many parents likewise give their children everything in life to safeguard them from problems that later may develop in their lives. They give their children a good education so that they can be spared from poverty later. They let their children participate in all kinds of sport events to grant them a long life but they fail to teach them about the God who loves them and who in Christ gave himself for them so that they with their children may have life eternal.

By failing to teach our children about God and his love we disable them to stand in life when sickness and suffering strikes them. There is then nothing to hold onto for them, for they miss the armour of faith. Children have a right to be looked after, both physically as well as spiritually and this is the duty of the parents. Some parents say: "leave your children free till they have come to the years of discretion and then they can choose for themselves." But what to think of parents who would leave the choice of eating and drinking to their children? A child has to learn to eat. Would that not also fit the eating of his spiritual food as well? What would we say if at a certain age we would throw our children in the water and tell them: "You have the age now, choose for yourself if you want to swim or not." But those children never learned how to swim; how could we ask them to swim or not? Likewise what would you think of parents who tell their children at a certain age: "You are old enough now choose for yourself as to whether you want to belong to a church or not," if they have never been taught any religious education? Therefore all our attention, our hope and our expectations should be that our children come to the faith. All other things in the lives of our children should be inferior to that. Let us give our children the best we have and the best we have is God's grace revealed in Jesus Christ. This grace will last forever, so let us pass this on to our children. The only way that we can do that is by living out of this grace ourselves. If we do that, then the teaching will be easy, for then the child will say: "Look my parents, they practice what they believe."

Please click the "Back" button of your browser to return to previous page.