Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Mar/92

Contributor - Will Kroon

Title - The Suicide of a Family Member

Topic - Suicide

A Personal Reflection

Some time ago I received a long letter from a person whom I had not seen for years.

When I read the letter I sensed that my friend was experiencing some heartfelt pain and that that pain had been with him for almost a year. It had started when one of his sons had committed suicide. To my surprise he was quite candid about what had taken place. It had happened early in the afternoon at a time when the family was getting ready for a special festive occasion.

Reading the letter, I could not help but think of the agony and the suffering he and his family had gone through. A sudden death is traumatic in any family; the suicide of one's child is far worse. There is not only the shock and the loss of a loved one, there are also feelings of shame and failure with which to cope.

When I read and reread the letter, I began to reflect also on the agony and pain their son might have experienced. Did no one sense the loneliness and suffering of this young teenager before he committed suicide? What drove him to the decision to end his life? These and similar questions came to the surface. At the same time I began to sense an anger, even though I did not quite know to whom the anger should be directed. My friend gave me permission to write about this, feeling that readers of Pioneer may learn from this sad experience.

Many months have passed since I received that letter. In the meantime I had time to think, to reflect and to grow from the family's pain and the pain of others with the same experience. Consequently, I became more sensitive to those who share the traumas related to suicide, and I was ready to deal with questions such as: Why are people taking their own lives? What message does the church have for parents who lose a child through suicide?

A Christian Ministry

Suicide is not just a product of living in the twentieth century. It has baffled people for centuries. It was already a concern to Christian leaders in the first century. It was rampant when Christians were attacked and persecuted. It became such an issue in the Church throughout the centuries that church leaders like St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas began to voice their concern and speak out against it. Gradually, their concern became more pronounced, and the Church took steps which not only affected the persons in question, but also their families. Thus, burials in church cemeteries of those who had taken their own life were forbidden, and property belonging to their families might be confiscated and forfeited to the state.

Today, the Christian community has a better understanding of the tragic circumstances surrounding a suicide and, therefore, can minister with genuine compassion.

Indeed, how do we minister to a family who grieves the loss of a loved one through suicide? May we grant them a Christian burial? Can we bring the family a message of hope and comfort from the Scriptures, or do we believe that the door of heaven is closed to one who has commited suicide?

When I prepare a service for a Christian burial, I often feel strengthened by the words: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life... nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8) These words are encouraging to all who believe, for is it not true that we have a God who reached out to Moses and David after they had taken the life of others? Didn't He also put his arm around Paul after he had been instrumental in the death of many believers? Will God then be different to His children who in time of suffering and stress have taken their own?

After our search for guidance and wisdom we may feel an urge to pray: "If thou, 0 Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared." (Psalm 130) Since I believe in these words of comfort I would share them at the funeral of a church member who committed suicide, just as I would at a service of a person who died a natural death.

Why did it happen?

Long after the funeral service is over the question lingers on "Why did he do it? Could we have prevented it? Is it our fault?"

Edwin Shneidman, who has done a great deal of study on the reasons why people commit suicide, believes that the matter is very complex, that there is not just one reason why people select suicide as a way out, and consequently, one should be slow in blaming someone or one s self for such a tragedy.

Shneidman, in his book, Definition of Pain, mentions six types of suicide, or six reasons, why people take their own life:

1. The rational - one who seems to figure out a way to escape further pain

2. The reactionary - one who reacts to a loss of some kind

3. The vengeful - one who seeks to punish someone

4. The manipulative - one who seeks to thwart someone's plans

5. The psychotic - one who seeks to fulfill a delusion

6. The accidental - one who makes an impulsive decision and reconsiders too late that their decision was a foolish one.

Conclusion

Suicides do occur even in the Christian community. Consequently, the Church must find ways to assist those that come for guidance and support. She must not forget that suicides cause deep grief and hurt and that the pain lingers on long after the funeral. Such grief and pain can put a great deal of strain on the immediate family. Some of the members can talk about their inner feelings but others can not. One parent may need more help than the other is able to give, and this may strain their relationship.

Friends can play a key role in helping the grieving family. Just to be there to listen and to care will help the family to tell their story over and over again. Telling their story is essential for the inner wounds to be healed. May the Church be part of this healing community.

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