Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - June/93

Contributor - Rod Schutte

Title - Great Expectations Are They Overwhelming Our Kids?

Topic - Youth

"I'm stressed out!" is a phrase I've been hearing rather frequently from young people. In a recent presentation on the subject, I learned that the majority of those who expressed this idea were not really experiencing this emotion. The definition of "stress" (as a feeling or emotion) involves mental arousal and bodily tension causing an inability to cope.

That last phrase points out an important point. Although young people are feeling pressure and tension, most are still able to cope. However, the recent statistics of suicides among teenagers reveals that stress is definitely a part of many teenagers lives, and this :solution" has been the decision made by an alarming number.

Are the expectations we have of our children causing them to experience tension and even stress? Are our expectations balanced between the spheres of their lives? The first question hits home every time I'm reminded by the statement made to me: "Remember, they're just children." It makes me start to think that if I place too great of an expectation on the behaviour of my 4 year old and 2 year old now (I don't think I'm expecting too much from my 1 year old yet), what will I expect of them when they are older. I find I don't just expect them to 11 act like" a 5 year old, an 8 year old or even a 10 year old; I expect them to act like adults. We cannot demand the impossible from our children.

But, it is the second question that really bothers me. I believe the expectations placed on young people are unbalanced in the spheres of their lives. By the spheres of their lives, I mean the mental, social, physical and spiritual spheres. Do we expect too much of our children mentally, socially and physically, while not expecting enough of them spiritually

Recently, I talked with a step-father and his step-son. The son loves, participates in, and is very good at several sports. We were discussing the homework the son needed to finish, and, like many teenagers, he had left much of it until Sunday night. After some discussion on priorities, self-discipline and time-management the father said, "There are a lot more scholarships available for academics than athletics." Then he asked me the rhetorical question, "Isn't that right?" The son countered with, "I've got a 3.7 average (out of a possible 4.0)." The father came back with, "Talk to me when you have a 4.0.

I didn't condemn the father's attitude toward the son; not entirely anyway. He was on the right track. Sports can deceive young people into neglecting academics because of unrealistic dreams of professional stardom. But I did think that 3.7 wasn't too bad. Shouldn't our only expectations be that our children do their best, and shouldn't we encourage them when they do?

Now, whatever a person doesn't receive in the way of scholarship funding will have to be paid by the student and/or the parents. Which leads to another expectation many young people have placed on them; employment. Being in the camp ministry means I have the privilege of hiring many young, Christian people for the summer. However, the pay which I can offer them is far less than almost any "secular" summer job. With the cost of post-secondary education increasing at an incredible rate, finding a "good paying" summer job is another expectation many have to deal with.

The question that comes to my mind with all this is, are we expecting too much of our children academically (mentally) and socially (careers/jobs)? What is almost accepted as a universal truth is that without a post-secondary education a meaningful, good-paying job/career is impossible to have. Although I'm unable to go into details in this article to prove this, parents please believe me this is NOT TRUE. And why do we place so much stress on material success since it IS TRUE that many "good-paying" jobs aren't necessarily going to give any meaning to a life.

Not every young person is capable of achieving post-secondary education, and I believe God planned it that way. After all, isn't God's plan for the life of a young person dependent on God and not only academics and degrees? Obviously, we live in an age of electronic exceleration, but does a person have to go to university or college to learn how to be knowledgeable about computers and other electronic "gadgets"? We can't even begin to guess the number of self-taught individuals who are doing extremely well in the business of life!

Now we, the adults in the lives of our children, are not to be blamed for all the expectations that cause them tension and stress. Peers, media and they themselves constantly place many unrealistic social and physical expectations on our children. Looking "right", dressing "right" and knowing the "right" people are just a few of the devilish expectations that pressure some to the point of not being able to cope. Suicides, beatings for clothing, premarital sex, drug and alcohol abuse are the results of a culture of ungodly competition.

The question we as parents and as a church need to ask is, "Are we failing to help them deal with these expectations in a biblical manner?" Are we expecting enough of them in the spiritual sphere of their lives now? In order for them to be able to recognize unrealistic - and in may cases evil expectations, they need to be spiritually mature in the LORD. But, do we expect our children at this stage in their life to be able to understand, and therefore believe in, the Almighty God who created all things and holds all things in His hands? Do we expect them at this stage of their life to be able to know Jesus and trust Him with their future? Do we expect them at this point to be able to make a life-sacrificing commitment to the LORD Jesus Christ? Do we expect them to be able to live holy lives and choose righteousness over sin now? Finally, and most importantly, are we letting them know our spiritual expectations for them now? We can't wait. We don't know what tomorrow will bring for our young people.

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