Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - June/81

Contributor - Angelina Van Essen

Title - Leaving The Nest

Topic - Family

We are on the verge of leaving to pick up our daughter from college. While I was preparing to leave, my thoughts went back to the time we brought here to one of our Church-related colleges. As if it were yesterday, I still see the three of us standing there, ready to say good-bye.

It was a beautiful summer day and we were standing on the lawn near a huge bed of flowers. The sky was bright blue and it was hot. The nearby trees protected us from the sun, their leaves casting an ever moving pattern on the ground. Some last pictures had to be taken and some last words of encouragement had to be said ... but something went wrong. Joan seemed irritable and I felt sad, leaving her behind in a strange place, 1300 miles from home, with the thought of not seeing here again until next May. I felt tense and saying goodbye was not what I had expected it to be. Why, after the three beautiful relaxed days we spent on campus, were we so jittery when we said good-bye? What all of a sudden went wrong? I did not get an answer to my questions right away, but through sharing and reading, time showed me and taught me what happened.

Maybe some of you who read this will be experiencing your child leaving the family unit, becoming aware that with the going away of the child it is also the end of an era for you. Many people don't realize the big impact a happening like this has on them. Many of us say, "Oh, this is a natural thing when children leave home, it wouldn't be right if they didn't". By saying this we ignore the feelings of sadness and emptiness. We feel guilty if we make a big fuss about it, and we make believe that it's not such a big thing, "There are worse things than a child leaving home". We try not to let it bother us, and go on as if nothing upsetting is happening.

But we cannot ignore something like this, because it is a big thing, and because it is upsetting. It is quite normal to feel irritable before saying good-bye and it is natural to have angry feelings caused by having to separate from someone you love. The tense and irritable feeling is an expression of the anger (aware or unaware) we feel.

For a certain period of time a family unit existed in which we learned and worked and grew and communicated together. Then the time comes that this family unit is broken by separation. As parents our task is done. But there are those frustrating thoughts: Did we do our job well? Did we equip our child well enough for life to stand the test? The opportunity to re-do the mistakes we made is gone. Time to do the things we had hoped to do yet with our child is gone. A period of time is closed off. Our task, so far, is done.

In order to cope with those frustrations it does not help to ignore them, or keep quiet about them. We have to experience the impact of our feelings. Ignoring or suppressing our feelings adds to our frustrations. We can, however, experience our feelings constructively. Don't bottle them up. Talk about them with your partner or with a close friend. Accept each other's feelings and don't say, "You shouldn't feel this way". It is no shame to feel frustrated. Feelings of loss need to be shared, we need acceptance and understanding in order to heal.

Personally, James 1:2 and 3 have helped me a great deal. We read there, "Count it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance". Going through difficulties, not avoiding them, will make us stable. Encountering our frustrations and trials. will bring growth in the end. It also equips us in "hearing" better what th other person is trying to say, and so we will be better able to share with and to support others in need.

Families have developmental stages. One of those stages is when the children have grown up and are ready to leave the nest. Depending on the size of the family our parental task slowly diminishes and adjustments have to be made. The balance in the family structure that existed before is upset. In our family we had two major adjustments to make last August. In the same week our son got married and we moved to a new charge. A few weeks later we brought our daughter to college. For us as parents, it was a readjusting to the family unit, and also to a new place to live. It involved supporting the two teenagers left at home, who had to adjust to new surroundings and who had to adjust not only to the loss of a brother and a sister, but also to the loss of friends.

Through all this, we discovered that sharing each other's thoughts and feelings helped a great deal. By praying together and trusting our heavenly Father, that He would bring about healing, we could keep on going. We also discovered the joy in sharing new experiences and growth in the children that had left our family. A new and very rewarding experience for me was 'homecoming' during the Christmas season. The preparation beforehand, the talking and sharing within the family unit, but now much more on an adult level than before. The caring for each other expressed in conversational prayer, that all added up to a special time of togetherness.

As families we have adjustments to make. As individuals we are forced to change things in our lives. Many of those adjustments are more painful than ,.many people realize. To cope with all those changes we have to be aware of our feelings and not minimize them. We should not disregard them as "nothing", but deal with them. Disruptions in our family life could be a door to a new dimension, to new growth, to new maturity in Christ. When we try to sort out our frustrations, this is the promise given to us:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

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