Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date -

Contributor - R. Westra

Title - What did my Parents do right?

Topic - Youth

FOUR YOUNG ADULTS IN OUR CHURCH AT MISSISSAUGA, WERE ASKED TO RESPOND TO THE QUESTION: "WHAT DID MY PARENTS DO RIGHT?" WE TOOK IT ON AS SORT OF A CHALLENGE TO GIVE SOME HONEST REFLECTION ON HOW WE WERE BROUGHT UP. HERE IS THE RESPONSE OF JIM AND PAT MASSECAR, FRANK VANGELDER AND BOB BRANDSMA.

Rev. Westra: Reflect on the question, "What did my parents do right?" Looking back at your life, what can you honestly say about your parents that helped you. Let's deal with it in categories and take the area of discipline first.

Frank: I didn't appreciate when I was younger the heavy discipline of my parents but now I can begin to appreciate it. We were a heavily disciplined family. We couldn't go to parties until we were seventeen. I didn't like that. But it helped to a degree because it is so easy to do what everybody else is doing and be one of the crowd. I wasn't old enough to make up my own mind. Later at 19 and 20 when I was on my own, I didn't have to do what everybody else was doing. I didn't appreciate it then, but now . . . the heavy discipline made me more of an individual.

Rev. Westra: Pat, you are Frank's sister and you grew UP in the same family. Do you feel the same way?

Pat: I wasn't disciplined in the same way. I felt they were harder on me because I was a girl. I rebelled against this. They tried hard and I'm glad they did.

Rev. Westra: Jim, as the husband of Pat, you know a little bit about their family. We don't know much about you. Were you disciplined in that you were allowed to do certain things and not allowed to do other things?

Jim: Well, they tried. They taught me some discipline. It is just that my father was always away on the Lake Boats. He was never home so my mother had to raise us kids. My mother just couldn't handle us alone. The only time that I ever listened was when my father was home. But that wasn't enough.

Frank: Now they are certainly giving you their full support.

Jim: That is just what I mean. They would always try to support me but I never had the discipline I needed. I was their favourite kid and so they treated me O.K. But I treated them like dirt.

Rev. Westra: Can you appreciate the fact that your mother tried?

JIM: Yes, she always tried. I can fully thank her for that now. But my life is totally reversed now from what it was when I was a kid.

Rev. Westra: Bob, what is your reaction?

Bob: I love my parents. I think they did a great job in bringing me up. I sort of had a lot of freedom. Until I was sixteen I was taught their ways and shown their standards, for example: I was taught to get a good education and to work hard in life. When I turned 16 they considered me an adult. So they did their best to teach me and then they let me go the way I felt I should go. It was really great,, I thought.

Rev. Westra: You sound like you had a considerable amount of freedom. Is there anything else you want to add?

Bob.: Anything I did bad my parents took it bad themselves. In some cases it hurt them more than it hurt me. They shared some of the guilt. But they still treated me as an adult since I was 16 and they put me on my own. They didn't pressure me into doing anything no matter how much it hurt.

My parents also felt that they missed out on a lot when they were kids and they wanted me to get the most out of life. Part of our discipline was to get the most out of life. What I mean is they encouraged me to go to boy scouts, hockey, and to join the organizations that they would have liked to join when they were young. hey wanted us kids to have the best in life.

Rev. Westra: Let's look at another example, money. How did your parents help you understand the value of money?

Frank: I was always responsible for my own pocket money. If I wanted extra clothes, I had to buy them with my own money. I had a paper route and it brought in some income. Then I would have liked it if they had given me what I wanted. But now I know more about money and the things it can do and how it can possibly hurt. It doesn't rule my life. I can give it quite freely, lending without demanding it in return.

Pat: I always got an allowance so it wasn't the same for me even though I grew up in the same family. I never had to work. I never thought about it much. But when I quit school I went to work. Then I looked at things differently and what my parents taught me about the value of money helped.

Bob: I learned that you save it and save it and save it. It is there to save and spend wisely. I had a paper route and I always saved my money. I enjoyed working and getting it for myself. In fact it bothered me when others would give me some, like when they gave it to me as a gift. My parents taught me it was to be earned and to be handled well. You never bought something, for example, that wasn't going to last. You buy something good, even though it costs more.

Frank: When you start at a young age you take a lot more pride in your job. I enjoy work. Maybe it is because I had to start when I was young and I had to work for certain things. I take pride that it is mine. It makes a difference when you enjoy work.

Rev. Westra: Jim, you must have had to work when you were quite young.

Jim: I had to start work when I was 16. That is when I quit school. I went out to get a full time job on my own because I had nothing else to do. I wanted to do something. My mom told me to go look for one. But I didn't stay with any one job for long. I worked off and on for five or six years. I travelled all across the country, doing a job here and a job there.

Rev. Westra: As you look back, Jim, can you understand the difficulty your mother had being by herself and giving you the things you needed?

Jim: Yes, I'm surprised she didn't end up in the 'nut-house'. Sometimes she even said that she couldn't take any more. With four boys and two girls, it wasn't easy! My father would maybe come home twice a year. When he was home he would apply the discipline. It didn't mean much to me then, but I can appreciate that they tried to teach me right.

Rev. Westra: There is the category of faith. What about it?

Jim: I can't remember all that much that my parents taught me. Only since I met my wife and her family can I say that faith means anything to me. We never talked about God in the home.

Bob: When I was younger I didn't want to go to church at all. They just dragged me out of bed on Sunday morning. Now it is different, because I want to go. So I often wonder what would have happened if they didn't drag me out.

Frank: My parents naturally tried to lead me to believe. At a younger age they forced me to go to Sunday School and catechism. My parents were hospitalized a lot and when my Mom was in the hospital I remember always going to the evening service with Dad. It was kind of an emotional experience. I'm not as disciplined now as I was then about attending church functions, but I feel that I have a more disciplined faith. Especially at work I am more aware of those things that I do wrong, the way I hurt others. I must have learned that at home. My parents taught that religion is a private thing between you and God. We were always taught what to accept and not to accept. MY father is a very strong believer. When we became older he let us make up our own minds. That made me a lot more self-assured.

Pat: I had a different experience. I had to get away from my parents to make up my own mind. I left home at 16 and was away for two years. A lot of things my parents taught me are now coming back and I am accepting them as part of my own beliefs. Some of the things they taught me as a child I'm sure I will teach my own children. I may not be as strict, but I will teach them much the same. Right now I regret somewhat the fact that I had to leave home and I regret all the things I did to hurt my parents. But then I felt I had to do it. I'm sure God will use it to allow me to help others who are going through the same experience.

Rev. Westra: Yes, it is very interesting how God uses our experiences. It is also interesting that many of the things we don't accept from our parents when we are younger we accept when we are older. It seems that we must go through that time in life when we make a break with our parents. For some it is gradual, for others it is sudden. For some it isn't quite as painful as for others.

Pat: Yes I would agree.

Rev. Westra: We haven't touched too much on family life. We all grew up in a family environment. What did our parents contribute to family life that we would want to make as part of our own family. Jim and Pat, you already have a family. What do you think?

Pat: As a child I never knew my family like I would have liked. There was a big age difference between myself and the older brothers. I guess we were close in a way, but not close enough to share some real deep feelings. I knew my parents loved me, and I hope my children will get that same message from me. We did things together and that was important to me. I would like to do things with my children.

Jim: My father was never home enough to really know what a family life was all about. I really only learned about family life since I got married. I regret that we were never a very close family. After my Dad decided to work on the Bay, he could come home every night, and our place was a much more enjoyable place in which to live. That is when I started to like it a lot better. That is one thing I would like for our children to have: parents at home.

Frank: I would like to incorporate an awful lot of my family life into my own family, should I have one.

Rev. Westra: Can you give us some sort of concrete examples.

Frank: Devotional life, disciplined life, prayers at mealtime, Bible reading after each meal; each of these things I had seen as not very good when I was young, but now I think I would incorporate them into the family. These get children introduced to devotional life. I don't know if I am going to force them as much, yet I really can't say until I have children. As to social life I think I would like to change a lot. Being with people is important in gaining self-confidence; I think that it is important.

Rev. Westra: Bob, how do you feel?

Bob: I always liked the closeness, the sense of being loved. That is the major thing I think. My Dad got tickets and took me to the NHL hockey game and that was just fantastic. That really brought a sense of closeness between him and myself. I would strive for that same closeness if I ever have a family.

Rev. Westra: Anything in the religious life which you would incorporate?

Bob: Trying to live in a Christian atmosphere, loving God, and being kind to everyone. I am thankful that we never lived in a hostile atmosphere and that means a lot.

Rev. Westra: Thank you for candid and open responses. You have made me reconsider some of my impressions of growing up and I hope your feelings will make others appreciate what their parents have done for them.

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