Love And Marriage

by Robert Anes

THE IDEAL OF MANY

A JUNE WEDDING

June seems an appropriate month to write about marriage. Marriage is one of God’s most precious gifts to mankind. So much so that often the church is referred to as the "The bride of Christ." The basis for a good marriage is to include God in our marriage, but even Christian marriages can fail. On the other hand, many secular marriages last and are very happy, so there is more to it than that. Statistics indicate that about half the marriages end up in divorce. Others stay together only for the sake of the kids. These marriages did not start out to fail. What went wrong?

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY

Most problems start with lack of communication If marriage partners do not understand each other, and if they argue all the time, the marriage will slowly fade. As time passes, they discover that they have not much left in common and wonder how they ever fell in love with each other. Sometimes people say, "He (or she) is not the person I married."

The dashing young man has become a hard working bread winner, with little time for romance. The pretty young woman, who is now a mom with several kids to look after, may still think about romance, but by the time she puts the kids to bed, she is worn out.

They may stay together and make it to the stage when the kids are leaving home. Then we get the "Empty nest" syndrome. The woman, who filled her life with living for her children, is suddenly left with a void. The man she fell in love with is now graying or balding and carries a spare tire around his middle. She has added a quarter century too. When they look at each other, they hardly recognize the stranger they are married to, and they wonder what happened.

HE (SHE) DOES NOT UNDERSTAND ME

How does one keep the lines of communication open? We all know there are physical differences between men and women, but many do not realize that there are large psychological differences as well. We think differently, and we react differently. What the one SAYS is not necessarily what the other HEARS. When a woman has a problem, she wants to TALK about it; she is not necessarily looking for a solution. But when a man has a problem, he wants to SOLVE it. As soon as she begins talking, his mind starts looking for a solution. Consequently, when HE has a problem, he does not want to bother HER with it until he has it sorted out. See the differences?

When you know that, you can adjust. All HE has to do is be a good listener. When he is withdrawn, SHE will be well advised to leave him alone and not bother him by asking, "What is the matter with you." In time (nine times out of ten), he will come to her with "You know, I’ve been thinking about…" But until he has it figured out, he will probably evade her questions.

MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN FROM VENUS

A few years ago, I was talking to a friend who told me that he had a wonderful wife, no complaints whatsoever, but they did not seem to be able to talk. "It is as if I am AM and she is FM. We just don’t seem to be able to get through to each other. We don’t understand each other anymore. We have no fights. We often do things for each other without asking, but there is no meeting of minds. The silence can be deafening. We are just polite strangers living under the same roof. We both know something is wrong, and we really want to do something about it, but we don’t know how. It seems the only things we have in common now are the kids and grand-kids."

I asked him if he had ever read Men, Women, and Relationships by John Gray Ph.D., which deals with issues like that. This author is well known from his Men are from Mars, Women from Venus books, which are in every book store. He said no, but if I thought it would help, he was ready to try it.

I saw my friend a few weeks later, and he was obviously a much happier man. "I am glad to see you are much better than the last time I saw you," I remarked.

He said: "Remember you suggested I read that book about relationships? After reading a few pages, I felt he was talking about us. I asked my wife if I could read her some paragraphs, which was fine with her, and suddenly we understood! It was as if we had been stumbling around in a dark room, bumping in to each other and the furniture. And than someone turned on the light, and we could see where we had gone wrong."

I said: "I am very happy for you."

He answered: "Wait; it gets better. I asked my wife: ‘Will you please forgive me for all the times I hurt you without even knowing it? I never meant to do that; I just did not know any better.’ She forgave me, and in the same breath said: ‘And will you forgive me for all the times I did not understand you? For the times when you needed me and I was not there, or at a loss of what to say?’ And then a real miracle happened. We looked deep into each other’s eyes and instantly fell in love with each other all over again!"

That happened two years ago, and they are happier now than when they were first married!

THE LANGUAGES OF LOVE

A good marriage does not happen by accident. Instead of tearing a marriage down, actively or by neglect, we can build it up by using languages of love: 1. Physical touching. 2. Spending quality time together. 3. Acts of service to each other. 4. Speaking positively about, and to, each other. 5. Small gifts. The more of these languages one uses regularly, the stronger the marriage will become, and it is never too late to start.

Finally, although at times it may be difficult, consider that the words "Will you please forgive me?" are just as powerful (if not more!) than the words; "I love you."

Robert Anes is a member of Bethel Reformed Church (Brantford, Ont.) and is a member of The Pioneer editorial committee.