Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - July/88

Contributor - Peter Humby

Title - Teach Our Children to Fail

Topic - Parenting

Some 15 to 20 years ago, the philosophy was espoused that it would hurt a child's psyche to allow them to fail. "You should never tell a child that they failed." "They haven't failed, it just takes them longer to understand." " . . . give them time and they will learn it."

This philosophy was introduced into our school system and unfortunately is still there today. We still hear of situations where children are progressed from one grade to the next, even though they understand very little of the material that has been put before them in the classroom. It is argued that a child who is held back a grade will be with younger children, their friends will be in a different class, and they will suffer irreparable damage.

This philosophy penetrated into the College system 15 years ago. I had just started teaching in the college when the "new approach" was introduced and all teachers had to use a new system. There was an official name to this system but I will simply call it the "Rewrite System". The idea was that no young person should be told that they failed. Instead we were to recognize that each person had a different level of learning ability and we were to give everyone all the opportunities that were needed in order to learn the objective that was set out in the course outline. If they didn't get sufficient marks in the test, they were expected to study some more and try again later. This was to continue until they had mastered every objective set out in the course of studies. They were to be allowed to "rewrite" as many times as necessary in order that they may eventually pass the test.

This philosophy may have worked out well but for one thing; it did not continue throughout the lifetime of those young children. It was fine while they were in grade school and high school and perhaps even in college, but they eventually had to go into the world where they would meet up with the stark reality that you don't have all the time in the world to learn to do something. In the job situation they have to do the job properly and must learn how to do it as quickly as possible. Those that were allowed to take their time during their school years soon found out that they were under pressure to do things right the first time.

If our children cannot come to us with their problems, then they bear that burden alone and sometimes it becomes too heavy for them to handle." . . .

We found that at the College, the "rewrite" system was impractical. Our classes consisted of at least 30 students and it was impossible to teach at different levels to the students and the system was dropped very quickly. Suddenly the students had to face the reality that they would fail.

In Universities it is even more dramatic for the student. They are taken from a teaching situation where there are reasonable size classes, where there is some interaction with the teacher, into an environment where they are one of hundreds of students, who sometimes only see their "prof" at the front of the lecture hall. Here they are expected to find their own way of learning and are then expected to pass exams. No wonder many fail. No wonder many commit or attempt suicide. The stress that is placed on young people at that stage in their lives is tremendous. I have students in my office who have just failed my course tell me, through the tears, that they never failed anything at school and they can't face their parents to tell them that they have failed a course.

That's where we, as parents, are failing. If our children cannot come to us with their problems, then they bear that burden alone and sometimes it becomes too heavy for them to handle. As parents we don't intend to be that way, but we all like our children to succeed in this world and we equate good grades at school with success. We get upset when our children get poor marks (which probably should have been a failing grade) and sow the seed of fear at an early age. The school system does not allow a child to fail so it is up to you to show children that it is alright to fail, that all humans fail at some things and life must go on afterwards. You are the only people who can teach them how to handle failure. You must be open to them so that they can come willingly to you to express their concerns about things in which they are failing.

One way to teach children that it is alright to fail is to admit our own failures when they occur. Let our children see that we are not perfect, and not only let them see we sometimes fail, but let them see how we handle that failure. I have heard of many couples who are having problems in their lives and they hide it from the children "because we don't want to upset them". You may not want to tell the children the specifics of the problem but at least let them know that a problem exists and let them see how you handle it.

If you handle your problems with the help of God, you then show your children that you need God to help you through those failures. They then will know that not only can they turn to "mom and dad" but they have the Almighty who will listen to their problems and will give them the strength to accept the failures in life and the will to survive.

Parents - you must prepare your children for life on this imperfect earth. Don't rely on the schools to do it for you.

You must teach your children how to fail!

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