July, 1983

Grief
Rev. Jon Van Oostveen


Grief is an experience which touches the life of every human being. We grieve when a loved one dies and there is an empty place. We feel the loss very profoundly and the pain is very deep. Grief is related, however, not only to death but to the loss and change of a person, a place, a dream, a hope, an expectation in which we are emotionally involved. It is experienced by all ages: young children, adolescents and adults. Thus one can grieve over the loss of a pet, a lost job, a financial loss, the loss of a part of one's body, the loss of family, friends and familiar surroundings when emigrating or moving, the loss of one's health when facing disabling or terminal illness. Grief is a process through which we move in stages. 

As a chaplain I work mainly with cancer patients. Every person who is informed that he or she has cancer experiences a whole process of grief. Grief involves our emotions. We grieve and feel loss. We feel deep des- pair and sometimes even panic. We feel anxious, depressed, angry and insecure.

A common misconception about grief is that we experience it because of a lack of faith and trust in God. This is a mistaken idea. Christians, who have faith in Christ, grieve. The Bible portrays grief as a normal, natural and potentially creative human experience. Jesus saw and experienced it in such a manner. He cried at the death of Lazarus. 

Therefore, grieve when you have something to grieve about. Those who face grief openly and honestly, and wrestle with the experience, become stronger, better and more sensitive persons in their relationship with God and with their fellowman. Often, grief leads us to question aspects of our faith and its relevance to our personal problems. Moving through our struggle of faith and suffering, deepens our faith. We will gradually come to realize that God is there in our agony and pain; that He still cares and that He loves us. We discover that the cause of our grief is not a punishment or a rejection; that God does not cause our suffering, but that His word to us is, "I am with you in your suffering". 

Looking at the cross of Christ we see that God Himself suffered. Suffering is not just a human experience. It is part of the experience of God. God embraces in His own self the whole range of human agony. When we accept God's suffering love, the grieving process leads us to a stronger and deeper relationship with Him. We all have a need to relate emotionally to the world around us. We have learned to live in this world and are strongly attached to people and material things. When these persons or things are removed from us it causes pain and hurt to our emotional life. Death of a loved one of course is the most significant cause of grief because it is the irreversible loss of a person to whom we are deeply attached. It results in the most intensive pain which we can experience.

However, the trauma of separation and divorce is often experienced even more intensely and goes together with a great variety of emotions. A sudden death usually leads the bereaved into a state of shock which is often accompanied by denial - the first stage of grief. In the hospital emergency room a mother cried out to me over and over again, "My baby is not dead is he? No, it can't be. Tell me that it is not so!" Shock and denial: "No, it cannot be true. I am only dreaming it". This stage may last for some hours, days or months. Some people seem never to go beyond this stage. This is abnormal and unhealthy. 

The shock of our sudden loss may cause us to become paralyzed. It is like an anaesthesia, a temporary escape from reality. Some give the appearance of carrying on as if nothing has happened and everything is under control. This form of reaction to the loss is often misinterpreted as evidence of strong faith and courage. It is, rather, a temporary covering up of deep inner pain. 

The second stage of grief is suffering. This is extremely difficult. We express our emotions; we cry, we feel empty, lonely, hurt, deserted, depressed and angry. We say: "This is so unfair; God is doing this to me". "What have I done to deserve this? Why, God?" "If God is a God of love, then why does He do this to me?" "I reject such a cruel God". These are some of the honest feelings that are expressed, and need to be expressed because they are part of the real inner struggle. We need not feel guilty about these feelings. God understands and is with us in our suffering. Blessed are those who are able to listen to those struggles and who allow the grieving person to be where he or she is. The supportive person must not yield to the temptation to be a "fixer". 

Depression and feelings of isolation are part of the universal experience of grief and common in the stage of suffering. A barrier has come between the grieving person and God, between him and his fellowman. Anger is expressed at God and at people. Guilt feelings about the loss are experienced. Some are filled with hostility and deep resentment. 

Physical symptoms of distress may become evident: the inability to concentrate, insomnia, a weakened physical condition causing proneness to disease. If we are allowed to express our feelings of anger, hurt and resentment a healing process begins and we are helped to move out of the depression. In this process we need the supportive care of those who will listen to us, who communicate an accepting rather than a judgemental attitude. It is quite common, though, to resist returning to normal again. We may not be ready to let go of the past. It is so painful to let go. 

Getting back to life hurts. We struggle to readjust to reality. For some the struggle takes a long time. Each has his or her own timetable. Yet, gradually hope returns and we experience the stage of recovery. We begin to reach out to other people again. We rediscover our reserves of strength, meaning, purpose and fulfillment in life, The struggle of faith is that it will win out. We will truly and deeply accept that our only comfort is: "That I belong body and soul, in life and in death - not to myself but to my faithful Saviour, Jesus Christ".