Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Jan/85

Contributor - Case Koolhaas

Title - Tough Love: Helping Abused Parents - Cope with Their Troublesome Teenagers

Topic - Parenting

A pastor in a nearby town was telling me about one of the members of his congregation who had living with him a 19-year-old son who was making life miserable for both the father and mother. The son was unable to hold down a job and refused to work around the house. Whenever his mother would speak to him about cleaning up after himself, he would verbally abuse her to the point that she hated to be at home when he was in the house. She even considered leaving her husband because she could not stand the home situation anymore.

My suggestion to the pastor was that he start a "Toughlove" group in his community. My own experience as a pastor has been that there are many parents in the church and in the community who are at their wit's end in coping with their teenage sons and daughters. They often assume that they are the only ones that have any problems, because they don't hear about other parents who have similar problems with their kids.

"Toughlove", basically, is a support group for parents who have teenagers that are difficult to handle. The key to the effectiveness of a "Toughlove" group is the organizing of a support group that helps parents be more objective in dealing with their teenagers. The group encourages parents in the frustrating task of gaining or maintaining control of their own lives as well as their family. The group is set up very much along the same lines as Alcoholics Anonymous.

The "Toughlove" group idea was founded by David and Phyllis York about six years ago. The Yorks were licenced alcohol and drug abuse counsellors and family therapists who experienced difficulties with their own teenage daughters. Through their own experience, they realized that looking for the pathological problem in the family only distracted from finding a real solution; namely, insisting that the teenager take responsibility for his or her own outrageous behaviour.

When the Yorks began experiencing problems themselves, they looked for other families in the neighbourhood who had similar problems. They banded together for mutual support and help in dealing with their teenagers. The group was successful, and they started several more groups. Then they were interviewed on the Phil Donahue television show and had several newspaper articles (including Ann Landers) written about them. Their initial effort has expanded to the point where they now hold training workshops in the U.S. and Canada for people who want training as parents and professionals conducting "Toughlove" groups and helping parents deal with their problem teenagers.

I believe that the book, Toughlove, which was written by Phyllis and David York and Ted WachteL and published by Bantam Books in 1983, is excellent. In the book are listed ten basic beliefs that are the foundation for the "Toughlove" approach in dealing with teenagers. I believe any parent who has teenage children would greatly benefit from reading these ten basic beliefs and applying them to their own life and family situation.

The first basic belief is that the root problem lies in our culture in the sense that a number of parenting theories have been promoted that place the blame on parents whenever something goes wrong with their kinds. The Yorks believe that much of the problem lies in the tremendous influence that our culture has on children over which we, as parents, have little control, i.e., drugs at school television, the pill, lack of respect, divorce and working parents.

Some of the other basic beliefs are: that "parents are people too" - they are not all-knowing and all-powerful gods; "parents have limited resources" - limited in emotional ability to cope with abusive children; "kids are not equal with parents" - parents have a right to maintain their home as they see best and expect to be treated with dignity and respect parents are often "blamed" unfairly for their unruly teenagers; the behaviour of kids has an influence on parents (not just the other way around); parents need help to take a stand, rather than denying that there is a problem; and parents need support from others to take such a stand and maintain control.

Anyone who is interested in learning more about how to set up a "Toughlove" group could read the September 1983 Reader's Digest article about "Toughlove" or read the book, Toughlove, or contact the Community Service Foundation - Toughlove, P. 0. Box 70, Sellersville, Pennsylvania 18960 for more information and for the self-help manual.

Please click the "Back" button of your browser to return to previous page.