Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Jan/85

Contributor - Rita Pluim

Title - Pluim Time - The Christian Family

Topic - Family

Not too long ago somebody made a statement to me which thrilled me. She had just met my husband and myself, together for the first time and she said, "You two must be friends." I consider that a compliment. it is easy to live as husband and wife and to take each other for granted, with all the excitement, which the relationship held prior to marriage, gone. This does not have to be so, but it takes work and sacrifice. Only the past few years have my eyes been opened to what God intended a marriage to be. It was not until I made Jesus Lord of my life that I became aware of areas in which I fell short of God's idea of a wife. I knew all along that I was supposed to love my husband. But what is love?

The word 'love' is an overworked word in the English language. We say: "I love ice cyeam, pizza or my job, etc." But Surely we cannot compare this emotion to the way we feel about those close to us. To understand the kind of love God has for mankind and which He also intended Christians to have for others, we have to look at what I Corinthians 13 says about it. Verses four and five are very specific; "Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty Or selfish or rude love does not demand its own way, it is not irritable or touchy. I does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do wrong."

Since marriage is the closest human relationship there is, these texts would make an excellent recipe for a good and happy marriage. Unfortunately, our selfish nature prevents us from attaining that kind of love. However, our Lord never commands us to do something which we cannot handle. He always provides a way out and so it is with love. When we surrender our lives to Him and allow Him to live and love through us, we can experience the beauty of this love in our own lives. When we realize this love is available to Christians only, it is easy to see why Christian families have such an advantage over non-Christian families. I believe that if all church-going families would be willing to be " Spirit- controlled', our churches would be packed.

The world is hungering for love and as Christians we aye supposed to be the light of the world and guide people to our Lord Jesus Christ. A Christian home can be a great witness, as the family is the basic unit of society. The home in general is in trouble today because it has no guidelines. It is being affected by changes in modern society. Influences which are contrary to God's Word are readily accepted even by Christians. It is therefore very important for us to go back to the "Handbook foy living". Our Lord instituted marriage when He gave Eve to Adam, as our earthly fathers now give away their daughters to their husbands-to-be. it is important for US to see relationships through God's eyes rather than our own.

Home is a place where members of the family can feel satisfaction in fulfilling the roles God has assigned to each. A home should be a place of love, understanding and companionship. A warm atmosphere makes a house a home

Your family will love and accept you even after seeing you at your worst. it is sad to realize that some remember their homes as a place of shouting, arguments and rivalry.

Life outside the home often suffocates us with all the tension and competitiveness. How good it is to have a place where one can feel at ease in a tension-free atmosphere. Tension-free does not mean undisciplined. Each family member should have a place and take the responsibility that comes with it. There is no perfect home where everything is always peaceful and harmonious. However, it ought to be a place where tension and differences can be expressed, understood and solved.

In order to create such a home the Parents must know what their individual roles are in the marriage. People talk about marriage as a "fifty-fifty" arrangement. This is a human idea and will never work. Each partner has a different role to which he or she must commit him-or herself one hundred percent. To find out what these roles and responsibilities are we must look at scripture for guidance. Ephesians 5 commands the husband to be the head of the family. He is responsible for the activities and spiritual welfare of the home. Colossians 3 tells the husband to love his wife and not to irritate his children. in I Timothy 3 he is admonished to be gentle, peaceful and to teach his children to obey and to be faithful to his wife.

As a wife I could wholeheartedly agree with all that responsibility for the husband but I used to have problems with Ephesians 5 where it says, "wives must submit to your husband's leadership". As an independent individual the word "submission" turned me off until I understood what it meant. I like to compare it to a company where the president represents the husband and the vice-president represents the wife. The president makes the ultimate decisions after conferring with his vice-president, and when the president is absent the vice-president is in charge and reinforces the guidelines set by the president. When seen in this light it was easier for me to accept my position as a wife. It gives a sense of security. When children recognize that the father's leadership is respected by their mother, they will not find it difficult to submit to rules and authorities.

Scripture tells us in Colossians 3 that children have to obey their parents always. To do this will be easier to a child when the parents are in obedience to the 21st verse of this chapter, where it says, "Parents do not irritate your children or they will become discouraged". irritating in the form of nagging a child regarding certain faults comes natural to most of us, and it is an effort to create alternatives in order to teach the child. At our house we have a struggle with the sloppiness of some of our children. I nagged them about it for a long time without any results - it only created frustration. Now we have a list of daily duties which are being checked off during the course of the day and the child is being rewarded for the amount of checkmarks acquired. This works great; they strive to do well and I am less frustrated.

Besides roles and responsibilities, the Bible also gives guidelines for the marriage. God speaks of oneness between husband and wife. I once heard that oneness explained as the following: take your two hands and let one hand represent the husband and the other hand the wife. The fingers of each hand indicate each one's strong points and the webs between the fingers inidicate the weaknesses of each of them. Now fold the hands and see what happens - the man's strong points cover the wife's weaknesses and vice versa.

Genesis 2:2 describes marriage as being united and becoming one. This means husband and wife are closer than anything or anyone else - closer than the husband's business, friends or interests and closer than the wife's housework, profession and friends. From a wife's point of view I know that it is easy and -sometimes happens quite naturally that the children take priority, especially when they are young. Here again it takes effort and work to stick to priorities. Once I was at a meeting, where a mother of two young children said, "Can we make this meeting as short as possible, because I have a date with my husband." This lady knew of the importance to set time aside to be alone with her husband. I personally need to go out regularly with my husband alone; just to talk and get in tune with each other. A cup of coffee in a quiet restaurant or a walk on a nice evening serve this purpose very well. This might mean having to pay for a babysitter and if your budget does not allow this; do find an alternative way of getting in touch with each other. You cannot afford not to do this.

My husband and I have occasionally taken turns with friends of ours, looking after each other's children for a weekend. A weekend like that did not cost any money since we stayed at home. We had agreed upon a few conditions, e.g. no television and no friends since that would have defeated the purpose.

All scripture quoted are from Good News for Modern Man

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