Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Jan/80

Contributor - Anonymous

Title - My Life Till Now

Topic - Testimony

The first 27 years of my life seemed fulfilled at times, but at other times there was always some thing missing.

Even the good times were not so good in the eyes of God - drinking binges, wild parties, foul talk, many sex sins, drugs, breaking the law, physically and verbally abusing people: not just casual acquaintances but people very dear to me, and the worst sin of them all, talking and ever condemning the word of God and not really believing in a God.

It seemed as if I, like many other people, thrived on "wickedness, greed, power, etc. Something within me was wrong: at times I felt guilt, despair. loneliness and fear but I pushed on the only way I knew how; leading a life of sin. In my mind I suffered for my "wrong doings." Some people thought I was doing fine but I knew that something was missing for I was doing things which, in my heart. saddened me and tore me apart.

The constant battle within me has raged for years: disrupting my life, forcing me to do all kinds of things. reaching out always for that missing link but always coming up empty handed. The frustration, tension and guilt was overwhelming at times. It was becoming apparent to me that I was destroying myself by leading a life that was heading to a dead end. There was no relief, always the same approach to life: dog-eat-dog attitude, get them before they get to you. This missing link to my life appeared many times in many ways now that I can reflect on the past but I, in my confusion, could never see my way clear. This cancerous sin within me spread and it seemed like it could never be stopped, not by anything in this world.

In recent times it raged on and on, never seeming to let up. Finally a strong young body and mind began to deteriorate. The fear within me intensified for I was desperately fighting everything and everyone to stop what was happening to me. I suffered, others suffered who tried to help. Nothing on earth could possibly stop me from ending my misery once and for all.

A last ditch effort was to hospitalize myself, for I began to fear myself and what I would end up doing to others or to myself.

My life had come apart worse than ever before. My mind and body were exhausted from fighting myself and the evil within me. I cried and cried and could no longer fight the world. I was a beat man; a man who was on the verge of losing everything; mostly my own life. For, taking my own life would be the last straw. I had lost any good feelings that I had about myself and life in general.As the days went by and I talked about my life, I started to realize what I had done to myself and to others. I trembled inside, could not eat much, and the feeling of hopelessness was becoming unbearable. I thought that my mind would go on me completely.

I had enough reserved strength left to talk to the nurses, doctors and fellow patients about my life but still there was only temporary relief from this evil force within me. Finally, my will to live took a turn for the worse. This happened after a pass from the hospital when I went right back to any old ways; drinking, sex, sin, etc. On that unforgettable Sunday I as I was crying and feeling worse than ever but something forced me to go to church. Throughout the service I cried and in prayer asked the Lord to please take control of the sin in my life. Take control of my life if he so desired. I could no' longer control myself and it was leading me to destruction. I returned to the hospital and was feeling no better. A phone call to my ex-fiancee and her subsequently hanging up was pretty well the icing on the cake. I was filled with bitterness, hate. remorse and guilt. With my last bit of energy I locked myself in the exercise room and punched and punched at a punching bag. I prayed to God that I would never try to hurt anyone again. I could go on no longer leading this way of life.

I was exhausted and lifeless for the rest of Sunday and well into Monday. I, in my despair, made plans to kill myself by means of pills. I wrote a suicidal note to my parents telling them that I loved them, not to feel sorry for me because this was my only means of finding peace and to tell my ex fiancee that I loved her. I was still praying off and on and asking the Lord to help me.

After some medication I slept. When I woke I was still not feeling well but I gained some strength and instead of suicide decided to shave. I went for a walk outside of the hospital and was still having nasty thoughts. I cried and prayed to God to do as He pleased for I was under His control. Nothing sudden or unusual happened at that time, although I started to feel calmer and a little more at ease with myself. I have steadily improved since then although there have still been rough moments.

I have become a member of God's family and have read God's word, the Bible. I have gained more trust and faith in Him and have a new found love. For I have turned my life over to God and will lead the type of life that he has planned for me. All that I know is that it will be a good life; the type of life that God wants us to lead. I have not overcome all of my difficulties in life, but I'm headed in the right direction for I have now found that missing link .n my life which is Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour and the Son of God.

Only I fully realize the miracle that has taken place within me. I thank God for bringing me to that point in my life when I accepted Christ and handed my life over to him. I have found peace and inner contentment and will find more but will never find true happiness and joy until the day that God takes me from this world and I have eternal life with Him.

I will strive to lead the best possible life that I can. I know that God has a purpose for me to fill while on earth and through my prayers and his guidance in so many ways, I am prepared to follow through on His instructions. To lead the best life that I can from day to day, for we never know whether this will be our last day on earth. I have God to thank for putting me through so much turmoil. It was necessary for Him to do this to bring one of His children back to Him, to give me a chance to live life the way he intended for us to live and to give me a chance, possibly, to help others to come back from a life of no return, emptiness, despair, and loneliness to a life of trials and tribulations. A chance to be molded into the type of person God wants us to be for our eternal life which will be spent with Him.

(This article is an autobiographical account of a young man's struggle during his "time of crisis." He wrote it to help himself and others; and to encourage those following a path of no return to turn instead to the Christ. Because of the intensely personal character of this account, we have agreed that it be published anonymously. Ed.

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