Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Jan/72

Contributor - R.A. Hartmans

Title - Dating and Marrying Outside Your Faith

Topic - Youth, Marriage

"Two faiths on one pillow have the devil as a bed-partner." Thus goes an imperfect translation of a well-known Dutch saying. I am aware that such an opinion seems to be rather old-fashioned and intolerant in our ecumenical age. Many people in our denomination accept intermarriage between members of different churches as fact of life. Indeed, some of the people who have talked to me see little or no wrong in marrying an unbeliever. As a matter of fact, I have never been able yet to convince a couple which is engaged to be married to discontinue their relationship on the argument that it is unwise to marry someone who has a very different religion or no religion at all. Yet, there seem to be enough reasons to discourage such a marriage. From my experience as a pastor, let me give you some examples (using fictitious names, of course).

John and Nancy were planning to get married. John and his family were rather faithful in attending our church. Nancy, who was baptized in the United Church, came from a broken home and did not consider herself a committed Christian. However, Nancy was in love with John and wanted to please his family. She indicated that she also wanted a Christian home. After their marriage, they came to church a couple of times. Then they came at increasingly greater intervals, and finally not at all. The reason? They both worked. John had two jobs, and they needed their weekends to work a-round the house and see their friends.

Max and Maria also wanted to get married. A year ago, Max had made confession of his faith. He was actively involved in church work. Maria was a Roman Catholic. She attended Mass every Sunday. Neither one wanted to sacrifice his religion, though Max agreed to get married in the Roman Catholic Church. They were sure that after their marriage they could work out a mature and tolerant relationship - maybe worship in one another's church on alternate Sundays. However, reality caught up with them. Maria did not feel at home in Max's church. It was too cold. Max rebelled against the uncustomary forms in Maria's church. The result? Neither one attends church any longer.

From these examples the following points may be made. In the first place, that no matter how good the intentions are of a couple to start a Christian home, the chances that they will succeed are small if one of them is not a convinced Christian. Furthermore, in a mixed marriage, either the convictions of both partners suffer, or the one partner becomes the fifth wheel on the wagon, as he seeks to preserve his own religious life in his family. If there are children, they will often follow the mother in her faith, at least in their early life. This brings out a third point. That usually the husband will more easily depart from his religion than the other way around, for the woman is usually the keeper of the ideals and standards in the home.

Mind you, not everybody who marries outside his or her faith will need to sacrifice his religion. Take for instance Karl and Frances. Again, he belonged to a religiously strong family. She had no religious affiliation whatsoever. Also, Frances came from a family Where the members showed little affection for one another. In Karl's home they almost smothered one another with love. No wonder that Frances became very much interested in Karl's faith. Did she recognize it as the source of, the harmonious surroundings in which Karl was raised? It was a happy day for all when Frances made a convincing confession of her faith in Jesus Christ and was baptized in the church's midst, shortly before -he married Karl. Also, today Frances is a different person. She used to be a rather neglected looking and shy little girl. Now she has developed into a mature young woman.

If there is a moral to this last story, it would be that if one has a strong faith, it may just happen that one will be able to convince the other partner of the reality of one's faith. However, don't count on it! As the Apostle Paul says, "Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?" (Corinthians 7 : 16).

And this brings us to the question, "What does the Bible say about 'Dating and Marrying Outside Your Faith?' ' " Let me quote Paul once more. He summarizes the Biblical argument briefly and strongly: "Do not be mismated with unbelievers," (II Corinthians 6 : 14).

In general, the Biblical view is that to marry someone whose love and loyalty to God is missing, may be disastrous in its consequences to one's own faith. True, a number of the great religious leaders married women who originally belonged to a different religion: for instance, Moses and Joseph, and it does not seem to have affected their loyalty to God. With others it meant disaster, as for instance, the story of Jezebel, wife of Ahab, king of Israel, clearly indicates (I Kings 16, etc.).*

In conclusion, allow me to point out that this article is not a plea for intolerance towards those who have a different conviction than ourselves. What I have tried to do is to show the possible results of dating and consequently, marrying outside our Christian faith. If these words have conveyed a feeling of intolerance, it may be a result from my belief in a God who is jealous to maintain our ultimate happiness.

The old Dutch saying, quoted at the beginning of this article, conveys the wisdom that much unhappiness is in store for the couple that does not share the same religion. Exactly that area which may be the most meaningful in a partner's life is closed off. It could be that the difference in religion may become the center of much friction. The opposite is true also. Even if a couple may have much that would seem to make a good marriage difficult, such as temperament or financial troubles, a strong common faith in God's love in them as they know it in Christ, will enable them to resolve their problems and to find happiness together.

* Buttrick, George Arthur. The Interpreter's Dictionary of the Bible. Vol. III (New York, 1962), p. 281, ",Marriage".

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