Regional Synod of Canada - Reformed Church in America

Pioneer Christian Monthly

Date - Feb/84

Contributor - Rev. Mark Bonnema

Title - Three C's of the Christian Family

Topic - Family

Fathers, mothers and children each have a special day designated for them once a year. The date this year for mothers will be May 13, for children June 3, and for fathers June 17. The problem with calling one particular day Mother's Day or Father's Day or Children's Day is that when we observe these days, we may think we have given the family all the attention it needs for another year. We can (and usually do) take the family (and every member of it) for granted the rest of the time.

It is not so easy to take the family for granted when your family is in danger of breaking up, or perhaps already has. Now more than ever we need to be looking to the guidelines of God's word for the Christian family: guidelines that will help us hold our families together, or help us into a new beginning if our family has already broken apart.

To follow God's plan for the Christian family we need communion: we need communication; and we need commitment.

First, we need communion. That word is related to the words "common" and "union". When we are in communion with someone, we have something in common with them, we are in union with them. That's why when we celebrate the Lord's Supper, we say we are having Communion - we are uniting ourselves with Christ in common with our fellow believers.

In Matthew 19 Jesus was talking about the communion which there is between husband and wife, the joining together of two lives to become one. Jesus referred back to the early chapters of Genesis. There we read that God created us male and female. We read that "a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh". This is the closest communion possible between human beings. Partially this refers to sexual union, and what an important part of marriage this complete intimacy is! But to become one flesh means even more than sexual union; it means a complete union of persons. Jesus said, "They are no longer two, but one."

The foundation of the Christian family is the communion between a Christian wife and a Christian husband. For the family to be solid and unified, the parents need to be united with each other; united in their love for each other and their God. When looking for a life partner, how important it is to be looking for someone with whom we can have the essential things of life in common - most importantly, our faith in Jesus Christ, the living Son of God. When both husband and wife are united in their love for Jesus Christ, how much easier it is for them to be united in love for each other! When husband and wife have this communion, a solid foundation for the family has been laid.

After referring to the two people becoming one in marriage, Jesus says, "Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." The Pharisees had come to Jesus with a question about divorce, always a slippery issue, hoping to trap Jesus in his own words. Jesus referred them back to the way in which God established marriage: as a union established between a man and a woman and not to be broken by them. Jesus makes it clear that God has always intended marriage to be permanent, that divorce is wrong.

Unfortunately, sometimes the church has been guilty of making divorce, in effect, the unpardonable sin. If not by decree, some churches by their actions have made it known that divorced people are not welcome in their midst How unlike Jesus, who prevented a woman caught in adultery from being stoned by telling her accusers: "Let the one who is without sin throw the first stone." How unfair for people to condemn a divorced person without having been in that person's situation.

Does that mean, then, that having a marriage last for an entire lifetime is just an ivory tower ideal that we can pay lip service to in our wedding ceremonies but dismiss as unworkable in this day and age? Certainly not God's desire for the permanence of the marriage bond has not changed. Marriage is hard work, and the solidarity of the family depends on the husband and wife working hard at it. But people do make mistakes. If you are divorced, you know the pain of failure. My purpose is not to condemn you. You are already plenty busy condemning yourself. My purpose is to say that there is forgiveness in Christ if you seek it, and there is opportunity to start anew. When we are the weakest, then it is easiest to see and feel the strength of Christ.

The foundation of God's plan for the Christian family is communion between husband and wife. What is also essential is communication: communication between husband and wife, and communication with and between your children, if you have children.

The ability to communicate with each other using a written and spoken language is a gift God has given to us as people and to nothing else in creation. With such a great and useful gift, you would think that we would know all there is to know about it and use it to its greatest potential. But I think most of you will agree that there are real communication problems in our families; that we are lax at sharing our feelings and thoughts and ideas with each other. Perhaps some of you think the same way l catch myself thinking sometimes: "I know what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. Isn't it obvious to my wife?"

There are many things that block effective communication in our families. I'll mention just three.

1) Incomplete understanding of what communication is. When you think of the word "communicate", what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Probably the word "talk" or "speak". I can talk to you, but I am not communicating unless you are listening to what I am saying and understanding it. I could talk to an empty room, but that is not communication. Communication is a two-way street - sending and receiving messages. Perhaps yours has been a family where everyone talks at once and no one is listening to what anyone else is saying. In that case there is plenty of talk, but precious little communication. So one block to effective communication is the failure to see that listening is just as important as talking.

2) Another block is family hyperactivity. When the members of the family are so busy that they do not even have time to sit down to have one meal together, communication is difficult. All families have those days when things are so hectic they don't know which end is up - that's normal. But families need to take the time for communication: for finding out from one another what is going on in one another's lives, what each one is feeling and thinking. One friend of mine said that he appreciated the times that his parents did things with all the kids, but he really wished his father had taken more time to be with him "one-on-one". Don't neglect to have those "special times" when you are alone with each family member in turn.

3) A third block of effective communication is electronic overexposure. By that I mean the constant barrage of television, blaring stereos, and fascinating electronic gadgets and games. These things are not wrong in themselves, but when any or all members of the family allow these things to take a large portion of their time without setting any limits upon them, communication is hindered. TV and all the rest are great inventions have great potential, but when we let them substitute for talking and listening to one another, our families are in trouble.

If our families avoid these blocks to communication, that's great! But what next? What should take place in communication? What things should be exchanged?

Psalm 78 gives us some good ideas along these lines. Vs. 4 says:

"We will not keep them from our children; we will tell the next generation about the Lord's power and his great deeds and the wonderful things he has done."

These words were written first to the people of Israel. And how they needed to hear them! It seems they so quickly forgot the great things God did for them: leading them out of Egyptian slavery, feeding them in the desert, helping them conquer their enemies. And so the psalmist tells them to teach their children to trust in God and to remember what he has done.

We also need to be reminded again and again what God has done for us in Jesus Christ. In the family, we need to communicate that to each other, and we especially need to teach our children. The church's Christian Education program is an important resource for teaching our children, but Christian Education should take place in the home as well as in church. Christianity is always one generation away from extinction.

And the communication of our faith needs to be more than words - our lives need to show that we believe what we say about Christianity. Our children will know if we are faking it.

There are many other things which should take place in communication: a sharing of concern for one another; praising one another's strengths; sharing feelings, fears, goals, dreams. Each one of us has room for growth in making communication more effective in our families.

In addition to communion and communication, Christian families need commitment: commitment to Jesus Christ and commitment to each other.

In Matthew 19:13 we read that "children were brought to Jesus that he might lay his hands on them and pray". We are not told whether it was mothers or fathers or older brothers and sisters who brought these little children to Jesus. Assuming that it was the parents' decision, they were bringing their children to Jesus for his blessing. They had decided to commit their children to Jesus.

We can no longer bring our children to literally sit on Jesus' lap, but how important it is to show our children what it means to commit their lives to Jesus Christ. A high school teacher was telling me that he could not believe this nonsense he hears about a "value-free" education. "Those kids come as empty containers," he said, "and they need the right things to put in those containers." If we are not there to direct our children down the road of commitment to Jesus Christ, we can be sure that there are plenty of ways that they are pulled by the forces of evil down the road to self-centered living and ultimately self-destruction.

In addition to commitment to Jesus Christ, Christian families need commitment to each other. Each member of the family needs to see their family as a top priority. Each of us needs to be concerned for the welfare and happiness of the others. Once again, this should start with a commitment by the husband and wife to each other. Then those promises they made in their wedding vows will have lifelong meaning. And the husband and wife will model this commitment to their children, so that the children will naturally develop the same care and concern that their parents have for each other and for them.

God is the Creator of the family. He knows what is best for us even when we sometimes do not know that for ourselves. Let us each pledge to keep our family strong, or to make it strong again, by following God's guidelines for the Christian family: guidelines that include communion, communication, and commitment.

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