Pioneer Christian Monthly - April, 1983

Values Differ But Love Remains
Ellie Van Slageren

Culture plays a significant role in shaping the lives of our families. Looking at the lower class people of the Appalachian County in which I work, you will notice how much their culture affects their lifestyle. In this article I would like to explore the following areas of typical family life: the extended family, parental attitudes, and family entertainment and "together" times.

The extended family is very important to the people here. Evidence of this is the fact that they all tend to live close to one another (all the relatives that is). As the children marry, they either move with their spouse into their parents' home or an extra or room or two will be added on to the parents' home to accommodate them and give the newlyweds a little privacy. Or if the finances are available, a little house will be built on Dad's property where they will establish their own home. So the married children become neighbours to the parents. This makes for having two homes because they are in and out of both equally. There is the freedom to just walk in any time and if you happen to be hungry to help yourself to whatever is in the fridge. Or if you come to visit at night and you are invited to "spend the night", you just might do that. The old cliche, "there's always room for one more" is very much put into practice here. The couch ill serve as a bed or one of the other children will share or forfeit their bed to you.

One of the reasons that families are so clannish is that in the past there was a lack of transportation. The people did not have cars or vehicles to get around in as much as they do now. The women get out of the "hollers" a lot less than the men do. So the relatives up the "holler", aunts, uncles, first, second and third cousins, great-grandparents and their families, you name it, were your relatives, friends and neighbours. This, of course, resulted in much inter-marrying. It is no wonder then that it seems to us that all of our county is related in some way or another.

In reference to marrying, it is quite acceptable here for fourteen and fifteen year old girls to man-y and start their own families. Among the lower class the viewpoint that "a woman's place is to raise children and keep house" is still common, so the girl is taught to think that for her there is really nothing else in life so why continue your education. The young couple will move in with one of their parents anyhow so it seems like the parents are just gaining another child to care for.

The elderly are held in high regard here. The widowed parent will either live in with their children or in a home on their childrens' land. If both elderly parents are living, they live nearby their children (or their children live by them, whichever way you look at it). It is unthinkable to place your aged father or mother in a nursing home unless they need skilled care which you cannot provide. Taking them to live with your family is considered the least you can do for them after all they have done for you.

So you can see the extended family is very dependent on each other. They are always willing to help out. For some, all they have is each other. NO matter how much they quarrel and feud, in an emergency they are right there to supply the need if they possibly can. There is a willingness to share anything you have which is a value taught from childhood. Family allegiance is strong and that is good to see.

The next area is closely related in a sense to the former, and this is parental attitudes. Parents here are over protective of all their children. Especially of those within the home - where they may play and with whom, what they may do -and where they may go with others, and so on. The youngest children are extremely pampered.

Maybe for this reason mothers are used as "babysitters" for their grandchildren as they children go off to the store or to church. Children usually go everywhere with their parents. If vou cannot take the children with you 'and grandma cannot watch them, you just don't go! I'm afraid that babysitters would be out of a job in our community.

Each family has their own form of discipline, but whatever the form it is not always followed through. In fact, it most often is not. It is not uncommon to hear a parent say, "If you do that again I'll whoop you (meaning 'hit you' and it is usually done with a small tree limb)", and then not see the child get punished. They readily refer to their child as being "mean" but it has almost become an affectionate term with them.

Parents teach their children to stick up for themselves and for brothers and sisters. Usually, then, it is not just two children involved in a fight because siblings will join in. The parents also easily get involved, not that they would fight with a child, but they may quarrel with the other child's parents, thus involving whole families.

The third area I wish to explore is that of family entertainment and "together" times. As far as family entertainment goes, our country has nothing to offer. There is nothing for a family to attend besides school ball games and church socials. This makes it extremely hard on the teenagers unless they have a way of getting outside the county. But the lower class families cannot afford to drive to another county for entertainment. Their solution? Television! Everyone has a television set. It has become the main source of entertainment and unfortunately a lot of time is spent" glued to the tube". Some children stay up to all hours of the night watching it and in many families there are few restrictions as to what may be viewed.

As I mentioned, church gatherings or socials are one of the biggest sources of social life. The children are either sent to church via bus ministries like ours, or the mother may take them with her. There are some families that go to church together regularly, but unfortunately this s not the norm. Quite often one or the other of the spouses is there alone (often because the other is not a Christian). The practice of religion for most is more Important than family life. They feel that,,, if God is Number One in their lives they ought to be in church whenever the doors are open and that can by every night. So you see there are extremes in church lifestyles, both of which can affect the family.

Every year, the church has a homecoming dinner with all past and present members, plus anyone else who wants to come. That is always a great social time. Or certain families will hold a family reunion of the extended family then and friends are always welcome. So times like these are really important to the people and they make a big celebration and social time of it.

Some other things that families may do together are hike the hills or go fishing in the creek. The children love to romp in the hills behind their homes.

Working together is another "together" time, even if the children do not always appreciate it. Gardening is not exactly entertaining, but it is a chore that must be done. It used to be that gardens were tended by the older children and their mother. Those below twelve years were not expected to work, and the oldest daughter was left to watch the younger children. Now you may find the children still helping with the weeding and later the picking of the crops. At canning time all the older girls are recruited to help. Quite often the parents grow enough to divide the produce with the married children, so all the daughters come "home" to help can.

Special "together" times are holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. Often all the married children with their families will come home to eat and spend the day. Depending on the size of the family, these may be the only occasions the whole family gets together even if they all do live in the same county.

So, although our world views (the framework for understanding the world around us) may differ, determining the way we behave and live, our cultures do provide for us the guidelines for how to do what we do. A definition of a family that I was recently given sums it all up: "A family is ones that are loving, caring and willing to help each other and share with each other". How we live as a family may vary, but the thing that holds us together is the same ... LOVE